More Profile Don'ts

O.K., folks, it's list time! As I've always known, and as a very special friend recently reiterated, everyone loves lists. So, without further ado, here are my top reasons for automatically eliminating someone as a potential match.com date based on stuff in their profiles and their written interactions with me:

1. Random Capitalization. This is a More Common Problem than you might think. Some People, in their Profiles, will just randomly capitalize words that have No Business being capitalized. Why? Why? Here's a classic Example:

Happy Camper, seeking to share this journey with an Exceptional Woman who has taken care of herself Emotionally, Physically etc... I'm described by friends as loyal, honest, funny, dependable, hard working/playing, sincere... I'd have to agree with them most of the time... I'm proud of my Family and appreciate their support, and Very Lucky to be surrounded by Good Friends who keep me centered... I'm a Travelholic, Chocolate Aficionado, Ethnic Food Loving, Music Listening, Best Uncle Ever, Golfer... OK, OK Enough about me. Please, let me hear about YOU...

I especially like how this paragraph degenerates toward the end into capping almost everything and then, finally, into ALL CAPS, fulfilling its inevitable destiny. I'm SO tempted, since this guy actually e-mailed me, to write him back and tell him I couldn't possibly date someone Who Caps Things He Shouldn't . . . but do I really want to go there? Do I want to become the Asshole Editor Woman of Match.com? I'm already the Crazy Woman on the Bike Path Who Yells Things at Cyclists. I can only wear so many bitch hats, people.

2. Stalking. I currently have two e-mail stalkers. Both of them have written to me several times, despite the fact that I haven't replied to either of them, ever. In case it isn't obvious, I find this rather creepy. Here, in order of succession, is the correspondence I've received from one of them. (You should probably know that I didn't respond to him the first time because, in his profile, he mentions God, and Jesus, and praying, repeatedly. Um, that's another don't, by the way. Unless you're on eHarmony, that is.)

First message: I'm looking for someone semi-normal to share time/life with. Give me your craziest up front so I know it can only get better from there. I'm very easy going and I aim to please that special someone. After reading your profile, I would bet we have much in our past that is common. I'm not always on, but my perception and judge of character are usually pretty accurate.

Second message, three days later: Come on. I want to hear about it. My background is of course different from yours, but it is one hell of a background. Not trying to match stories or wit, but I like to see what life has thrown at someone and through that adversity, what comes out the other side. If you feel comfortable, you can call me. [He then provides his phone number.]

Third message, three days later: New pictures posted for me. I still hate them. [Apparently, he thought I wasn't responding to him because I didn't like his pictures. Which is true, but not the main reason. The new pictures weren't great, either.]

Fourth and, so far, final message, three days later: If anything, you are missing out on a conversation of a lifetime.

You're right, buddy--it's my loss. Does anyone else hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background? Hopefully, he's gotten the idea that he should maybe stick to his "conversation of a lifetime" with God. Or Jesus. Or little green men from outer space. Or anyone but me.

3. Shirtless Primary Photos. Besides this guy, there are plenty of other men who opt to bare it all, from the waist up, anyway, in the photos they post. This isn't always a bad thing--the ones who do it tend to have pretty good bodies, and depending on the shot, it's not always cheesy, like when they're in a pool or on the beach or something. However, when they choose such a photo as their primary one (that is, the one that everyone sees initially, the one that accompanies their tag line), they are automatically out. Do I really have to explain this?

O.K., there are more, but I'm out of time. More later, along with updates on the actual dating that's going on. (And there has been some of that--I don't spend all my time on that site criticizing and critiquing profiles . . . O.K., a lot of it, but not all.)