Exclusive but casual? Um, no.

So, here I was all ready to quit Match.com, because I thought I'd stumbled into A Relationship. I'd been seeing a certain guy for about three months--this was actually the second guy I went on a date with, after Gay Craig--and things were going really well, or so I thought. We saw each other around two or three times a week, which is perfect. And I liked this guy a lot--he's smart and funny and quirky, he has an interesting job, and I was very attracted to him. At one point, after about a month and a half, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else and didn't want to. Then, shortly thereafter, I noticed that he had closed his Match account. So, making what I didn't consider to be a major mental leap, I assumed he thought we'd reached the exclusive level, and I decided I was good with that, and I stopped dating other people. I was still technically on Match, and I did look at the profiles of the people who got in touch with me, but I wasn't writing to, talking to, or dating anyone else on the site.

Still, not everything was wine and roses. (Actually, there was a lot of wine and no roses, but that's kind of a tangent. . . .) There were several things about this guy and this relationship that nagged at me. However, as obvious as it should be at a certain stage of life to never ignore a little nagging voice in your head, in certain circumstances, other factors step in to really muffle that voice, and I think that's true no matter how old you get. In this case, those factors were 1) I did really like this guy, and 2) I had gotten pretty sick of dating. Eventually, though, I couldn't ignore the little voice anymore, and I had to address the issues that were bothering me with this guy. In case you haven't figured it out, that's when things fell apart.

I should mention at this point that, from the get-go, there was a big red flag attached to this guy, one I chose to ignore for a long time because it's such a stereotype. (As many of you know, I hate stereotypes, and I'm always irked when they prove to be true, which, unfortunately, seems to happen a lot.) Anyway, this particular stereotype is as follows: If a man reaches the age of 40 and has never been married, and hasn't been in a serious relationship for over 15 years, there's a reason for it. Either he's so clueless about women that he will never be able to connect with one, or he's just not a relationship kind of guy--he doesn't need one, doesn't want one, and might not even know this about himself.

In retrospect, I realize that this guy was a little bit of all of the above. For a really intelligent man in every other way, he hasn't a clue about women in general or how to act in a relationship specifically. After the breakup, I started thinking about all the little, obvious clues that were staring me in the face and didn't seem like a big deal until I looked at the big picture. He never put a cap back on anything or put anything away--toothpaste, contact lens solution, pickle jar, etc. He never put the toilet seat down. (A tired argument, I know, but one that has become an iconic example of a guy's basic ability to be considerate of others--namely, women.) He was the quintessential bachelor in every way, with habits requiring a level of training that I'm not sure I have the energy for at this point in my life.

All of these things were true about him, but none of this came up in the breakup discussion, or any discussion, for that matter. And honestly, this was all stuff I could have lived with, if there weren't other, more pressing issues. Such as? This seems like the perfect spot for A List:

1. He was not a big fan of making advance plans. Maybe he was trying to be spontaneous, or maybe he was just inconsiderate (most likely the latter), but he had a tendency to call up and ask me to do something right then or that night. Most of the advance plans we had were initiated by me.
2. When we did have advance plans, he would never call or text me to confirm them. He just didn't get that it's basic consideration, when you make plans for three days later, to call the person and confirm those plans at some point. We're all busy people, stuff comes up, etc., and how easy is it this day and age to at least send a confirmation text? Well, that never happened, and eventually, I brought it up. The first time I brought it up, it was in a non-heavy way, but I did make it pretty clear that I felt strongly about something that would have been no skin off his nose, and he should have just done it. But when he failed to do it again, three days later, I wasn't so non-heavy. I mean, come on! At least make an effort, dude. That was a big, stupid fight.
3. He was shocked--shocked!--to learn that I had talked about him with my friends. If I was talking about him with my friends, I must be thinking about him 24-7. Seriously? Does he not grasp the fact that most, if not all, women--and a lot of men as well--talk about the person they're dating with their friends almost from the get-go? Hell, I talk about guys I've gone out with once and don't ever plan to see again . . . of course I'm going to talk about someone I've been dating for three months. See? Clueless.
4. Regarding the exclusive thing--as I discussed above, for all intents and purposes, we had reached the exclusive point. So, I was a little surprised when I learned that he still considered our relationship "casual." This issue came up during a discussion where he was defending his ongoing habit of not calling me to confirm plans. He felt he didn't need to be calling me constantly (um, I'm sorry, "constantly"? A few times a week is "constantly"?) because we were still "casual." Exclusive but casual? That's an oxymoron, in my book. You can be exclusive and still not really serious yet, but you've definitely moved beyond the status of "casual" at that point. So, I told him that I was not aware that we were still "casual," but if we were, I was going to resume dating other people. This did not go over well. As you can imagine, things went downhill fast from there. The official breakup moment manifested shortly thereafter.

So, that's that. I won't say I'm not disappointed--this was, after all, my first attempt (albeit unintended) at a real post-divorce relationship, and it fell flat on its face. But, given the overall picture, I realize it's for the best. Another funny thing about this guy--on some level, I think he realizes he's not relationship material. He used to joke about how every woman he dates winds up marrying the next guy she goes out with, as if she's thinking, "Man, I've got to get myself off the market before I wind up with another guy like that." (His words, not mine!) Of course, now I'm totally tempted to send him a note saying, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting married! Ha ha."

But I won't. No more contact, at all--that's the key.

One final thing--I noticed tonight that he's back on Match, which I found kind of funny. Some woman out there might find herself having a very enjoyable two to three months. Hope she enjoys it while it lasts.