So, I've been struggling with whether or not to write about this . . . but here's one of those set-in-stone writer's rules I'll share with you all: When you have something gnawing at the corner of your brain that you think you might want to write about, you'd better just buckle down and write about it already, because until you do, you won't be able to write (well) about anything else. Case in point--I've started around five other blog entries that I just haven't been able to really get out and finish, and it's because I wasn't writing about what I really wanted to write about. The muse is a harsh mistress.
Therefore, I'm just going to get this post out of the way so that I can get on with things already. There's been a change in my life recently, one that I wasn't looking for or expecting at all. I've struggled a bit with how to articulate it, but I think the direct approach is best, so here it is: apparently, I now have a boyfriend. Yes, I'm using that word after only three weeks. See, I could have just said that I've started seeing someone, or that I'm in the beginning stages of a new relationship . . . but when you get together with someone three, four, five times a week, spend entire weekend days together, and talk on the phone multiple times a day, every day--that's a boyfriend. No getting around it.
How did this happen? Well, after the last guy I dated from Match, I was ready to give it up for a while. I was getting sick of weeding through the e-mails and winks, going out on tedious dates and figuring out how to handle things afterwards, exchanging e-mails with seemingly interesting people only to be disappointed when we met. And really, I was just getting sick of dating in general--I was ready to take a break and withdraw for a while, catch up on my writing, do some reading, hang out with friends I haven't seen lately, etc. (After all, I did have a social life before I signed up for Match!) So, that was the plan--I was all set to take down my profile. But, there was this one guy. We had been trying to make plans for a while, but both of us had been busy, and when a free night came up, I decided I'd go on this one last date. . . .
What can I say? Those of you who have been out of the dating pool for a while may not remember that absolutely delicious feeling when you meet someone and know from the first moment that there's something there. It was just one of those BAM moments. We were obviously, immediately attracted to each other, and we had one of those really great date nights--intense conversation with no lags or awkward moments, a feeling of being really comfortable with each other right from the beginning, and of course, the whole attraction thing . . . just pure chemistry, which doesn't happen very often. So, all of these factors made me set aside my initial (and pretty major) reservation about this guy. Some of you know already what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't, prepare to be shocked.
He's a conservative.
O.K., so there's something to chew on. I've got to run to work now, but I'll delve into this more later. And I'm really going to try to commit more to the blog going forward--I know I've been pretty negligent lately. (That tends to happen when I get involved in a new relationship . . . there's just no time!) Stay tuned.
[*Regarding the blog title: RWBF = Right-Wing Boyfriend]
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Exclusive but casual? Um, no.
So, here I was all ready to quit Match.com, because I thought I'd stumbled into A Relationship. I'd been seeing a certain guy for about three months--this was actually the second guy I went on a date with, after Gay Craig--and things were going really well, or so I thought. We saw each other around two or three times a week, which is perfect. And I liked this guy a lot--he's smart and funny and quirky, he has an interesting job, and I was very attracted to him. At one point, after about a month and a half, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else and didn't want to. Then, shortly thereafter, I noticed that he had closed his Match account. So, making what I didn't consider to be a major mental leap, I assumed he thought we'd reached the exclusive level, and I decided I was good with that, and I stopped dating other people. I was still technically on Match, and I did look at the profiles of the people who got in touch with me, but I wasn't writing to, talking to, or dating anyone else on the site.
Still, not everything was wine and roses. (Actually, there was a lot of wine and no roses, but that's kind of a tangent. . . .) There were several things about this guy and this relationship that nagged at me. However, as obvious as it should be at a certain stage of life to never ignore a little nagging voice in your head, in certain circumstances, other factors step in to really muffle that voice, and I think that's true no matter how old you get. In this case, those factors were 1) I did really like this guy, and 2) I had gotten pretty sick of dating. Eventually, though, I couldn't ignore the little voice anymore, and I had to address the issues that were bothering me with this guy. In case you haven't figured it out, that's when things fell apart.
I should mention at this point that, from the get-go, there was a big red flag attached to this guy, one I chose to ignore for a long time because it's such a stereotype. (As many of you know, I hate stereotypes, and I'm always irked when they prove to be true, which, unfortunately, seems to happen a lot.) Anyway, this particular stereotype is as follows: If a man reaches the age of 40 and has never been married, and hasn't been in a serious relationship for over 15 years, there's a reason for it. Either he's so clueless about women that he will never be able to connect with one, or he's just not a relationship kind of guy--he doesn't need one, doesn't want one, and might not even know this about himself.
In retrospect, I realize that this guy was a little bit of all of the above. For a really intelligent man in every other way, he hasn't a clue about women in general or how to act in a relationship specifically. After the breakup, I started thinking about all the little, obvious clues that were staring me in the face and didn't seem like a big deal until I looked at the big picture. He never put a cap back on anything or put anything away--toothpaste, contact lens solution, pickle jar, etc. He never put the toilet seat down. (A tired argument, I know, but one that has become an iconic example of a guy's basic ability to be considerate of others--namely, women.) He was the quintessential bachelor in every way, with habits requiring a level of training that I'm not sure I have the energy for at this point in my life.
All of these things were true about him, but none of this came up in the breakup discussion, or any discussion, for that matter. And honestly, this was all stuff I could have lived with, if there weren't other, more pressing issues. Such as? This seems like the perfect spot for A List:
1. He was not a big fan of making advance plans. Maybe he was trying to be spontaneous, or maybe he was just inconsiderate (most likely the latter), but he had a tendency to call up and ask me to do something right then or that night. Most of the advance plans we had were initiated by me.
2. When we did have advance plans, he would never call or text me to confirm them. He just didn't get that it's basic consideration, when you make plans for three days later, to call the person and confirm those plans at some point. We're all busy people, stuff comes up, etc., and how easy is it this day and age to at least send a confirmation text? Well, that never happened, and eventually, I brought it up. The first time I brought it up, it was in a non-heavy way, but I did make it pretty clear that I felt strongly about something that would have been no skin off his nose, and he should have just done it. But when he failed to do it again, three days later, I wasn't so non-heavy. I mean, come on! At least make an effort, dude. That was a big, stupid fight.
3. He was shocked--shocked!--to learn that I had talked about him with my friends. If I was talking about him with my friends, I must be thinking about him 24-7. Seriously? Does he not grasp the fact that most, if not all, women--and a lot of men as well--talk about the person they're dating with their friends almost from the get-go? Hell, I talk about guys I've gone out with once and don't ever plan to see again . . . of course I'm going to talk about someone I've been dating for three months. See? Clueless.
4. Regarding the exclusive thing--as I discussed above, for all intents and purposes, we had reached the exclusive point. So, I was a little surprised when I learned that he still considered our relationship "casual." This issue came up during a discussion where he was defending his ongoing habit of not calling me to confirm plans. He felt he didn't need to be calling me constantly (um, I'm sorry, "constantly"? A few times a week is "constantly"?) because we were still "casual." Exclusive but casual? That's an oxymoron, in my book. You can be exclusive and still not really serious yet, but you've definitely moved beyond the status of "casual" at that point. So, I told him that I was not aware that we were still "casual," but if we were, I was going to resume dating other people. This did not go over well. As you can imagine, things went downhill fast from there. The official breakup moment manifested shortly thereafter.
So, that's that. I won't say I'm not disappointed--this was, after all, my first attempt (albeit unintended) at a real post-divorce relationship, and it fell flat on its face. But, given the overall picture, I realize it's for the best. Another funny thing about this guy--on some level, I think he realizes he's not relationship material. He used to joke about how every woman he dates winds up marrying the next guy she goes out with, as if she's thinking, "Man, I've got to get myself off the market before I wind up with another guy like that." (His words, not mine!) Of course, now I'm totally tempted to send him a note saying, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting married! Ha ha."
But I won't. No more contact, at all--that's the key.
One final thing--I noticed tonight that he's back on Match, which I found kind of funny. Some woman out there might find herself having a very enjoyable two to three months. Hope she enjoys it while it lasts.
Still, not everything was wine and roses. (Actually, there was a lot of wine and no roses, but that's kind of a tangent. . . .) There were several things about this guy and this relationship that nagged at me. However, as obvious as it should be at a certain stage of life to never ignore a little nagging voice in your head, in certain circumstances, other factors step in to really muffle that voice, and I think that's true no matter how old you get. In this case, those factors were 1) I did really like this guy, and 2) I had gotten pretty sick of dating. Eventually, though, I couldn't ignore the little voice anymore, and I had to address the issues that were bothering me with this guy. In case you haven't figured it out, that's when things fell apart.
I should mention at this point that, from the get-go, there was a big red flag attached to this guy, one I chose to ignore for a long time because it's such a stereotype. (As many of you know, I hate stereotypes, and I'm always irked when they prove to be true, which, unfortunately, seems to happen a lot.) Anyway, this particular stereotype is as follows: If a man reaches the age of 40 and has never been married, and hasn't been in a serious relationship for over 15 years, there's a reason for it. Either he's so clueless about women that he will never be able to connect with one, or he's just not a relationship kind of guy--he doesn't need one, doesn't want one, and might not even know this about himself.
In retrospect, I realize that this guy was a little bit of all of the above. For a really intelligent man in every other way, he hasn't a clue about women in general or how to act in a relationship specifically. After the breakup, I started thinking about all the little, obvious clues that were staring me in the face and didn't seem like a big deal until I looked at the big picture. He never put a cap back on anything or put anything away--toothpaste, contact lens solution, pickle jar, etc. He never put the toilet seat down. (A tired argument, I know, but one that has become an iconic example of a guy's basic ability to be considerate of others--namely, women.) He was the quintessential bachelor in every way, with habits requiring a level of training that I'm not sure I have the energy for at this point in my life.
All of these things were true about him, but none of this came up in the breakup discussion, or any discussion, for that matter. And honestly, this was all stuff I could have lived with, if there weren't other, more pressing issues. Such as? This seems like the perfect spot for A List:
1. He was not a big fan of making advance plans. Maybe he was trying to be spontaneous, or maybe he was just inconsiderate (most likely the latter), but he had a tendency to call up and ask me to do something right then or that night. Most of the advance plans we had were initiated by me.
2. When we did have advance plans, he would never call or text me to confirm them. He just didn't get that it's basic consideration, when you make plans for three days later, to call the person and confirm those plans at some point. We're all busy people, stuff comes up, etc., and how easy is it this day and age to at least send a confirmation text? Well, that never happened, and eventually, I brought it up. The first time I brought it up, it was in a non-heavy way, but I did make it pretty clear that I felt strongly about something that would have been no skin off his nose, and he should have just done it. But when he failed to do it again, three days later, I wasn't so non-heavy. I mean, come on! At least make an effort, dude. That was a big, stupid fight.
3. He was shocked--shocked!--to learn that I had talked about him with my friends. If I was talking about him with my friends, I must be thinking about him 24-7. Seriously? Does he not grasp the fact that most, if not all, women--and a lot of men as well--talk about the person they're dating with their friends almost from the get-go? Hell, I talk about guys I've gone out with once and don't ever plan to see again . . . of course I'm going to talk about someone I've been dating for three months. See? Clueless.
4. Regarding the exclusive thing--as I discussed above, for all intents and purposes, we had reached the exclusive point. So, I was a little surprised when I learned that he still considered our relationship "casual." This issue came up during a discussion where he was defending his ongoing habit of not calling me to confirm plans. He felt he didn't need to be calling me constantly (um, I'm sorry, "constantly"? A few times a week is "constantly"?) because we were still "casual." Exclusive but casual? That's an oxymoron, in my book. You can be exclusive and still not really serious yet, but you've definitely moved beyond the status of "casual" at that point. So, I told him that I was not aware that we were still "casual," but if we were, I was going to resume dating other people. This did not go over well. As you can imagine, things went downhill fast from there. The official breakup moment manifested shortly thereafter.
So, that's that. I won't say I'm not disappointed--this was, after all, my first attempt (albeit unintended) at a real post-divorce relationship, and it fell flat on its face. But, given the overall picture, I realize it's for the best. Another funny thing about this guy--on some level, I think he realizes he's not relationship material. He used to joke about how every woman he dates winds up marrying the next guy she goes out with, as if she's thinking, "Man, I've got to get myself off the market before I wind up with another guy like that." (His words, not mine!) Of course, now I'm totally tempted to send him a note saying, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting married! Ha ha."
But I won't. No more contact, at all--that's the key.
One final thing--I noticed tonight that he's back on Match, which I found kind of funny. Some woman out there might find herself having a very enjoyable two to three months. Hope she enjoys it while it lasts.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
More Profile Don'ts
O.K., folks, it's list time! As I've always known, and as a very special friend recently reiterated, everyone loves lists. So, without further ado, here are my top reasons for automatically eliminating someone as a potential match.com date based on stuff in their profiles and their written interactions with me:
1. Random Capitalization. This is a More Common Problem than you might think. Some People, in their Profiles, will just randomly capitalize words that have No Business being capitalized. Why? Why? Here's a classic Example:
Happy Camper, seeking to share this journey with an Exceptional Woman who has taken care of herself Emotionally, Physically etc... I'm described by friends as loyal, honest, funny, dependable, hard working/playing, sincere... I'd have to agree with them most of the time... I'm proud of my Family and appreciate their support, and Very Lucky to be surrounded by Good Friends who keep me centered... I'm a Travelholic, Chocolate Aficionado, Ethnic Food Loving, Music Listening, Best Uncle Ever, Golfer... OK, OK Enough about me. Please, let me hear about YOU...
I especially like how this paragraph degenerates toward the end into capping almost everything and then, finally, into ALL CAPS, fulfilling its inevitable destiny. I'm SO tempted, since this guy actually e-mailed me, to write him back and tell him I couldn't possibly date someone Who Caps Things He Shouldn't . . . but do I really want to go there? Do I want to become the Asshole Editor Woman of Match.com? I'm already the Crazy Woman on the Bike Path Who Yells Things at Cyclists. I can only wear so many bitch hats, people.
2. Stalking. I currently have two e-mail stalkers. Both of them have written to me several times, despite the fact that I haven't replied to either of them, ever. In case it isn't obvious, I find this rather creepy. Here, in order of succession, is the correspondence I've received from one of them. (You should probably know that I didn't respond to him the first time because, in his profile, he mentions God, and Jesus, and praying, repeatedly. Um, that's another don't, by the way. Unless you're on eHarmony, that is.)
First message: I'm looking for someone semi-normal to share time/life with. Give me your craziest up front so I know it can only get better from there. I'm very easy going and I aim to please that special someone. After reading your profile, I would bet we have much in our past that is common. I'm not always on, but my perception and judge of character are usually pretty accurate.
Second message, three days later: Come on. I want to hear about it. My background is of course different from yours, but it is one hell of a background. Not trying to match stories or wit, but I like to see what life has thrown at someone and through that adversity, what comes out the other side. If you feel comfortable, you can call me. [He then provides his phone number.]
Third message, three days later: New pictures posted for me. I still hate them. [Apparently, he thought I wasn't responding to him because I didn't like his pictures. Which is true, but not the main reason. The new pictures weren't great, either.]
Fourth and, so far, final message, three days later: If anything, you are missing out on a conversation of a lifetime.
You're right, buddy--it's my loss. Does anyone else hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background? Hopefully, he's gotten the idea that he should maybe stick to his "conversation of a lifetime" with God. Or Jesus. Or little green men from outer space. Or anyone but me.
3. Shirtless Primary Photos. Besides this guy, there are plenty of other men who opt to bare it all, from the waist up, anyway, in the photos they post. This isn't always a bad thing--the ones who do it tend to have pretty good bodies, and depending on the shot, it's not always cheesy, like when they're in a pool or on the beach or something. However, when they choose such a photo as their primary one (that is, the one that everyone sees initially, the one that accompanies their tag line), they are automatically out. Do I really have to explain this?
O.K., there are more, but I'm out of time. More later, along with updates on the actual dating that's going on. (And there has been some of that--I don't spend all my time on that site criticizing and critiquing profiles . . . O.K., a lot of it, but not all.)
1. Random Capitalization. This is a More Common Problem than you might think. Some People, in their Profiles, will just randomly capitalize words that have No Business being capitalized. Why? Why? Here's a classic Example:
Happy Camper, seeking to share this journey with an Exceptional Woman who has taken care of herself Emotionally, Physically etc... I'm described by friends as loyal, honest, funny, dependable, hard working/playing, sincere... I'd have to agree with them most of the time... I'm proud of my Family and appreciate their support, and Very Lucky to be surrounded by Good Friends who keep me centered... I'm a Travelholic, Chocolate Aficionado, Ethnic Food Loving, Music Listening, Best Uncle Ever, Golfer... OK, OK Enough about me. Please, let me hear about YOU...
I especially like how this paragraph degenerates toward the end into capping almost everything and then, finally, into ALL CAPS, fulfilling its inevitable destiny. I'm SO tempted, since this guy actually e-mailed me, to write him back and tell him I couldn't possibly date someone Who Caps Things He Shouldn't . . . but do I really want to go there? Do I want to become the Asshole Editor Woman of Match.com? I'm already the Crazy Woman on the Bike Path Who Yells Things at Cyclists. I can only wear so many bitch hats, people.
2. Stalking. I currently have two e-mail stalkers. Both of them have written to me several times, despite the fact that I haven't replied to either of them, ever. In case it isn't obvious, I find this rather creepy. Here, in order of succession, is the correspondence I've received from one of them. (You should probably know that I didn't respond to him the first time because, in his profile, he mentions God, and Jesus, and praying, repeatedly. Um, that's another don't, by the way. Unless you're on eHarmony, that is.)
First message: I'm looking for someone semi-normal to share time/life with. Give me your craziest up front so I know it can only get better from there. I'm very easy going and I aim to please that special someone. After reading your profile, I would bet we have much in our past that is common. I'm not always on, but my perception and judge of character are usually pretty accurate.
Second message, three days later: Come on. I want to hear about it. My background is of course different from yours, but it is one hell of a background. Not trying to match stories or wit, but I like to see what life has thrown at someone and through that adversity, what comes out the other side. If you feel comfortable, you can call me. [He then provides his phone number.]
Third message, three days later: New pictures posted for me. I still hate them. [Apparently, he thought I wasn't responding to him because I didn't like his pictures. Which is true, but not the main reason. The new pictures weren't great, either.]
Fourth and, so far, final message, three days later: If anything, you are missing out on a conversation of a lifetime.
You're right, buddy--it's my loss. Does anyone else hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background? Hopefully, he's gotten the idea that he should maybe stick to his "conversation of a lifetime" with God. Or Jesus. Or little green men from outer space. Or anyone but me.
3. Shirtless Primary Photos. Besides this guy, there are plenty of other men who opt to bare it all, from the waist up, anyway, in the photos they post. This isn't always a bad thing--the ones who do it tend to have pretty good bodies, and depending on the shot, it's not always cheesy, like when they're in a pool or on the beach or something. However, when they choose such a photo as their primary one (that is, the one that everyone sees initially, the one that accompanies their tag line), they are automatically out. Do I really have to explain this?
O.K., there are more, but I'm out of time. More later, along with updates on the actual dating that's going on. (And there has been some of that--I don't spend all my time on that site criticizing and critiquing profiles . . . O.K., a lot of it, but not all.)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Deja Vu
So, a lot of you have been wondering how things went with good old Craig, my first match.com date. (As it turns out, he wasn't technically my first date, but more on that later.) To recap, this was the guy who looked a little bit different in each of his photos, and I was curious to see which one would show up. I think that's where we left it.
As it turned out, none of them did. The guy who met me out looked different from all the photos he'd posted, mostly in that he was shorter and older-looking than I'd thought he would be. And I have to say--it was strange to see him in person, and I kind of drew a blank at first on whether or not I found him attractive. I guess my mind was too busy reconciling what I was expecting with what was in front of me. For those of you who have never met someone with whom you first communicated online and on the phone, I gotta tell you--it's just weird, or at least, I find it to be a little weird. You know something about the person, you have a feel for who they are in a general sense, and you may have had some very specific conversations with this person . . . and then all of a sudden, there they are, and you need to piece together this physical person with the mental image you have of the personality you've come to know. It's a little disconcerting.
So, I wasn't sure what I thought of Craig physically at first, so I figured we'd hang out, talk a while, and then it would all become clear. As it turns out, this was a very good plan, because it did become clear, very quickly. It became clear that Craig is exactly like Guy #5 in
this post.
Again, I have to ask--what is it with me and gay guys who don't know/accept that they're gay? And what is it, especially, with guys in their 30s who are still like this? Then again, maybe it's not me--maybe a lot of women in the dating pool encounter this type of guy now and then, just by virtue of playing the numbers.
Lest you think I'm jumping to conclusions about Craig, let me say that I spent a big chunk of the date being regaled with stories about the time he spent in a traveling theater group. This group specialized in campy remakes of serious movies--for example, "Carrie," in which he played John Travolta's character. In one production, he had to make out with this other guy on stage every night, and it was hilarious! At one point, he found it necessary to reassure me, "I was the only straight guy in the group!" And you, dear reader, can just imagine me sitting there, with my head cocked slightly to one side, thinking, "Are you sure?"
But don't worry, all's well that ends well. We had a nice enough time and a good dinner, and all the time I spent pondering how I was going to graciously get out of a second date was for naught, because he didn't contact me again. I was a little surprised by that, actually, because he did make a good show of expressing interest in me, but ultimately I was relieved.
So, that was the first date, sort of--not a success, but not a horror story. Just another one of those things that make you wonder what people are thinking, and doing, and why so many people don't seem to really know what they want. But I guess that's why we're all out there looking, right?
As it turned out, none of them did. The guy who met me out looked different from all the photos he'd posted, mostly in that he was shorter and older-looking than I'd thought he would be. And I have to say--it was strange to see him in person, and I kind of drew a blank at first on whether or not I found him attractive. I guess my mind was too busy reconciling what I was expecting with what was in front of me. For those of you who have never met someone with whom you first communicated online and on the phone, I gotta tell you--it's just weird, or at least, I find it to be a little weird. You know something about the person, you have a feel for who they are in a general sense, and you may have had some very specific conversations with this person . . . and then all of a sudden, there they are, and you need to piece together this physical person with the mental image you have of the personality you've come to know. It's a little disconcerting.
So, I wasn't sure what I thought of Craig physically at first, so I figured we'd hang out, talk a while, and then it would all become clear. As it turns out, this was a very good plan, because it did become clear, very quickly. It became clear that Craig is exactly like Guy #5 in
this post.
Again, I have to ask--what is it with me and gay guys who don't know/accept that they're gay? And what is it, especially, with guys in their 30s who are still like this? Then again, maybe it's not me--maybe a lot of women in the dating pool encounter this type of guy now and then, just by virtue of playing the numbers.
Lest you think I'm jumping to conclusions about Craig, let me say that I spent a big chunk of the date being regaled with stories about the time he spent in a traveling theater group. This group specialized in campy remakes of serious movies--for example, "Carrie," in which he played John Travolta's character. In one production, he had to make out with this other guy on stage every night, and it was hilarious! At one point, he found it necessary to reassure me, "I was the only straight guy in the group!" And you, dear reader, can just imagine me sitting there, with my head cocked slightly to one side, thinking, "Are you sure?"
But don't worry, all's well that ends well. We had a nice enough time and a good dinner, and all the time I spent pondering how I was going to graciously get out of a second date was for naught, because he didn't contact me again. I was a little surprised by that, actually, because he did make a good show of expressing interest in me, but ultimately I was relieved.
So, that was the first date, sort of--not a success, but not a horror story. Just another one of those things that make you wonder what people are thinking, and doing, and why so many people don't seem to really know what they want. But I guess that's why we're all out there looking, right?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Update
O.K., so it's been a while . . . it's been a hectic week. For the record, I do have more going on in my life than this match.com stuff, but I just don't have time to write about everything, and some of it, I really can't write about anyway, for a variety of reasons. So, right now, I'm going to concentrate on this online dating journey, because frankly, there's enough going on there to fill a book already . . . and it's only been a week! As I think I mentioned before, I could make a second career out of this if I was so inclined. I'm still trying to feel my way through the process, and to be honest, it's a little overwhelming.
Let's start with some stats, as of right now:
Number of times my profile has been viewed: 492
Number of winks I've received: 64
Number of e-mails I've received: 49
Number of e-mails I've received that I haven't read yet: 17
Number of people I initated contact with myself: 8
Number of people I initated contact with who have responded: 5 (The other 3 haven't been logged on to the site for weeks.)
Number of people with whom I've been actively exchanging e-mails: about 7
Number of people with whom I've talked to on the phone: 3
Number of dates so far: 2 (More on these later.)
So, in this process, as in so many processes in life, patterns are starting to emerge, and frankly, it's kind of disheartening. I can basically break down the people who contact me into three categories, and they're pretty evenly distributed. They are as follows:
1. Total duds. These are guys whose profiles present them as both unattractive and uninteresting. I get the feeling that a lot of them are playing the numbers game--basically, getting in touch with every woman on Match and seeing what shakes out. I am not going to shake out. Sorry.
2. Good-looking guys who have nothing interesting whatsoever going on in their profiles. As an example, here's the profile text of the best-looking guy who contacted me:
3. Guys with interesting/quirky/original/intriguing profiles . . . who are, unfortunately, completely unattractive. I guess here's where I come across as shallow and/or vain, but I'm sorry . . . I'm not going to contact a guy who looks like a 55-year-old Drew Carey with possible liver disease. It's really frustrating, actually--I'll read someone's e-mail, and it totally cracks me up, it's witty and original, it's grammatically correct (a major turn-on to me!), it's flattering in a light-hearted way . . . and then I click on the profile and see the guy's photo, and--no. Just no. It can be such a disappointment, but if there's no attraction whatsoever, then what's the point?
So, that's where we stand. It's not like there are no viable prospects whatsoever, but there's nothing terribly exciting going on either. I am having a very interesting e-mail exchange with this one guy . . . who happens to live in Alaska at the moment. He's a geologist and park ranger who's based in Columbus but gets stationed at different places for a couple of months at a time. He's even done stints in Antarctica, and he's been to every continent and sailed every ocean, and we're doing a lot of exchanging of traveling stories right now. I'm looking forward to meeting him when he comes home in September, so there's that.
Recaps on the actual dates to come . . . .
Let's start with some stats, as of right now:
Number of times my profile has been viewed: 492
Number of winks I've received: 64
Number of e-mails I've received: 49
Number of e-mails I've received that I haven't read yet: 17
Number of people I initated contact with myself: 8
Number of people I initated contact with who have responded: 5 (The other 3 haven't been logged on to the site for weeks.)
Number of people with whom I've been actively exchanging e-mails: about 7
Number of people with whom I've talked to on the phone: 3
Number of dates so far: 2 (More on these later.)
So, in this process, as in so many processes in life, patterns are starting to emerge, and frankly, it's kind of disheartening. I can basically break down the people who contact me into three categories, and they're pretty evenly distributed. They are as follows:
1. Total duds. These are guys whose profiles present them as both unattractive and uninteresting. I get the feeling that a lot of them are playing the numbers game--basically, getting in touch with every woman on Match and seeing what shakes out. I am not going to shake out. Sorry.
2. Good-looking guys who have nothing interesting whatsoever going on in their profiles. As an example, here's the profile text of the best-looking guy who contacted me:
I have alot of different activities I enjoy doing, anything outdoors, dinner, movies, theater. I'm looking for someone special to do them with. I'd like to meet someone who's easy going likes to have fun and enjoy life. Must also have a big heart
Um, that's great. So, you enjoy "dinner"? Do you enjoy candlelight and walks on the beach, too? How about breathing--do you enjoy that? I don't mean to sound bitter (already!), but seriously, try a little originality and individuality! It's funny, too--there's a sidebar where you can list, separately, what you like to do, and yet another spot to list your favorite things. This guy's responses? "Anything outdoors, dinner, movies, theater." Yeah, he listed these same things twice in the sidebar, for a total of three times overall. O.K., dude, I get it. Frankly, I don't care how good-looking the guy is--I'm not going to respond to a profile like that. I'd fall asleep before hitting the Reply button.3. Guys with interesting/quirky/original/intriguing profiles . . . who are, unfortunately, completely unattractive. I guess here's where I come across as shallow and/or vain, but I'm sorry . . . I'm not going to contact a guy who looks like a 55-year-old Drew Carey with possible liver disease. It's really frustrating, actually--I'll read someone's e-mail, and it totally cracks me up, it's witty and original, it's grammatically correct (a major turn-on to me!), it's flattering in a light-hearted way . . . and then I click on the profile and see the guy's photo, and--no. Just no. It can be such a disappointment, but if there's no attraction whatsoever, then what's the point?
So, that's where we stand. It's not like there are no viable prospects whatsoever, but there's nothing terribly exciting going on either. I am having a very interesting e-mail exchange with this one guy . . . who happens to live in Alaska at the moment. He's a geologist and park ranger who's based in Columbus but gets stationed at different places for a couple of months at a time. He's even done stints in Antarctica, and he's been to every continent and sailed every ocean, and we're doing a lot of exchanging of traveling stories right now. I'm looking forward to meeting him when he comes home in September, so there's that.
Recaps on the actual dates to come . . . .
Monday, July 02, 2007
The New Time Suck
O.K., so some might say I have a slight propensity to addiction. (See: online poker. Which I hardly ever play anymore, by the way, so there is hope.) I never thought, however, that I'd become addicted to an online dating site.
If eHarmony is a stupendously boring church sermon that makes you wish someone would shoot you in the head and get it over with, Match.com is a wild, crazy party that goes on all night. When we left off yesterday morning, I had just posted my profile and had a few winks and e-mails. (By the way, a wink is when someone just sends you a little message that they've viewed your profile and are interested, but they don't actually write anything--they're waiting for you to initiate contact.) Then I left for the day to go visit my sister in Sandusky, and by the time I checked back in around 9:00 last night, I had about 12 winks and 10 e-mails. Today, those numbers are about doubled. Of course, I can't possibly respond to all of them--this could quickly turn into a second career if I did that. But I do find myself surfing around almost compulsively, exchanging e-mails with some people, and I have to say--it's a hoot. Unless a lot of people are blatantly lying, there are quite a few genuinely interesting guys on there. We talk a lot about music and books and music and such, good places to go out in Columbus, cool restaurants and shows, etc. Some of them, of course, I have no interest in actually dating--and I've been clear about that, and everyone so far has been perfectly fine and cordial about it. They'll just say, "It's been nice chatting with you--good luck!" or something like that. I haven't really gotten a weird or creepy vibe from anyone yet. I'm sure there are some less-than-desirable people on there somewhere, but I plan on being very selective about who I actually meet, so overall, I've got a good feeling about it--and it's just a lot of fun.
I am staying realistic about the whole thing, though. A lot of these people have been on the site for a while, and I understand that it's a common phenomenon that when a new person signs up who seems even slightly interesting and/or attractive, everyone kind of pounces. Hell, I've only been on the site for a few days, and I would do the same thing if a new attractive, interesting person's profile appeared. So, this attention might not last forever--and that's fine. I'm just concentrating now on cultivating e-mail relationships with the real prospects . . . and actually learning a few new things about Columbus in the process.
So, my first date is Thursday night. His name is Craig, he's 31, and he works for a wine importer. Should be interesting. He's got four photos posted on his profile, and in each one, he looks a little different--I'm curious about which one he'll look like in person (if any--you never know!) I will give a full report after, of course. No expectations except to satisfy my curiosity and hopefully have some good conversation. We shall see.
If eHarmony is a stupendously boring church sermon that makes you wish someone would shoot you in the head and get it over with, Match.com is a wild, crazy party that goes on all night. When we left off yesterday morning, I had just posted my profile and had a few winks and e-mails. (By the way, a wink is when someone just sends you a little message that they've viewed your profile and are interested, but they don't actually write anything--they're waiting for you to initiate contact.) Then I left for the day to go visit my sister in Sandusky, and by the time I checked back in around 9:00 last night, I had about 12 winks and 10 e-mails. Today, those numbers are about doubled. Of course, I can't possibly respond to all of them--this could quickly turn into a second career if I did that. But I do find myself surfing around almost compulsively, exchanging e-mails with some people, and I have to say--it's a hoot. Unless a lot of people are blatantly lying, there are quite a few genuinely interesting guys on there. We talk a lot about music and books and music and such, good places to go out in Columbus, cool restaurants and shows, etc. Some of them, of course, I have no interest in actually dating--and I've been clear about that, and everyone so far has been perfectly fine and cordial about it. They'll just say, "It's been nice chatting with you--good luck!" or something like that. I haven't really gotten a weird or creepy vibe from anyone yet. I'm sure there are some less-than-desirable people on there somewhere, but I plan on being very selective about who I actually meet, so overall, I've got a good feeling about it--and it's just a lot of fun.
I am staying realistic about the whole thing, though. A lot of these people have been on the site for a while, and I understand that it's a common phenomenon that when a new person signs up who seems even slightly interesting and/or attractive, everyone kind of pounces. Hell, I've only been on the site for a few days, and I would do the same thing if a new attractive, interesting person's profile appeared. So, this attention might not last forever--and that's fine. I'm just concentrating now on cultivating e-mail relationships with the real prospects . . . and actually learning a few new things about Columbus in the process.
So, my first date is Thursday night. His name is Craig, he's 31, and he works for a wine importer. Should be interesting. He's got four photos posted on his profile, and in each one, he looks a little different--I'm curious about which one he'll look like in person (if any--you never know!) I will give a full report after, of course. No expectations except to satisfy my curiosity and hopefully have some good conversation. We shall see.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
eHarmony Sucks; Match.com Rocks
O.K., O.K., mea culpa already--please stop chastising me for signing up for eHarmony. I know it was a big, stupid mistake. I've done some research, and for the one or two people besides me who didn't know this stuff already, here's what I found out:
- The site was founded by an evangelical for the express purpose of matching up men and women only, and preferably ones who want to get married and start having kids as soon as possible. It's not marketed that way directly because the site can make a lot more money off a wider client base, obviously. (Funny how evangelicals have no problem with blatant deception if it makes the bucks roll in. That's just . . . so Christian and godly, it kind of brings a tear, huh?)
- The site has several lawsuits pending against it by gay rights groups over its discriminatory practices. I would never, ever knowingly give money to any company that discriminates against gays--you guys know that. I guess I was thinking that eHarmony just wasn't hip enough yet to offer services to gays--I didn't realize it was actively discriminatory.
- Some people--even straight folks!--who try to sign up are actually rejected, right off the bat. When I learned this, I was kind of surprised that I wasn't rejected--I would seem to be a perfect candidate for rejection based on their general criteria. Upon further research, though, I've found that they seem to reject people who have any history of depression or admit to taking antidepressants, which I do not. (This exclusionary benchmark apparently does not take into account self-medication in the form of vodka tonics.)
- A lot of the people who do manage to pass the straight test and the depression test nevertheless wind up, like me, being totally dissatisfied. They go weeks with no matches, and/or the matches they do get are wildly inappropriate (like Christopher from Pickerington! He's still my only "match"! I'm really starting to hate that guy. . . . ). I think my favorite story was the one about this 32-year-old guy who is an engineer, likes to party, and wants kids someday . . . and after weeks of waiting, he got one match--a 62-year-old pediatric nurse who lives two hours away from him. You just gotta laugh.
- The site apparently has this tactic of holding back matches until a day or two before your membership is set to expire, and then it throws them at you all at once, hoping to lure you into renewing your subscription. So, right now I'm waiting, curious to see if this will happen to me. I'm going to cancel my membership either way, of course, but it will be interesting to see if they're really that devious.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I've Been Had
O.K., so some of you know about my new plan, which was . . . to sign up for Match.com. Originally, I was only going to sign up to mine for blog fodder--after spending a few hours trolling around on the site, I realized it was rich with potential blog material. Some of the pictures these people post, the things they write in their profiles, even their nicknames, are just--ridiculous, nonsensical, absurd, hilarious. (Would you contact a guy whose nickname is "plushbunnies"? How about "fuggindude"? Dude--what???) It also surprised and kind of alarmed me that, after specifying that I was looking for men, ages 30-45, within 50 miles of the greater Columbus area, the site brought up a bunch of pictures--and I recognized three of them! One is a guy who hangs out at a local bar I sometimes go to--and up until about two months ago, he was hanging out there with his wife. Now, his profile says he is separated and looking for his "soulmate--that special lady to share his life with." Yeah, buddy, that's a great idea--why not hop right back on the horse, right? Another is --get this--the attorney who represented my husband in the divorce. I didn't notice the phrase "complete and total asshole" in his profile, so obviously he's not representing himself accurately. The third I will refer to as "the woman-man from Match.com." You should see his profile photo--he's got feminine features to start with, and he wasn't helping himself out by posting a photo showing his long, lovely hair pulled back in a ponytail and resting on his shoulder. I kept staring at this picture, thinking they'd put a woman on the guys' page by accident, when I suddenly realized he is a man, and that I've seen him jogging on the bike path. When you live in Columbus, it truly is a small world.
There were plenty of other noteworthy things I saw on this site, including:
Around this time is when all the computer stuff happened, and I wound up with my new (wonderful, fabulous) Mac. And I discovered that when I tried to log in to my Match.com profile, everything was all screwed up. I couldn't access or edit my profile, and I couldn't download a photo. I couldn't do much of anything. I e-mailed their support group, but I haven't heard back yet . . . and I started to get restless.
So, earlier today, I thought, as long as I was going to do it anyway, why not try another site until Match.com gets back to me (if they ever do)? And so, I logged on to eHarmony.
I should have clued in right off the bat, when I saw that they only match heterosexuals--no gay matching at this site. That irked me immensely--what's up with that? Did I really want to join a site that had yet to enter the 21st century? Big red flag. But, against my better judgment, I signed up anyway. I then spent about two hours that I will never get back filling out their "personality profile" forms, where they ask you about everything, multiple times. And, as they admonished me over and over to do, I tried to be completely honest--I didn't sugarcoat anything. Those of you who know me know what this entails. I was straight up about children, partying, politics, religion (or lack thereof)--everything. And, I actually paid the initial subscription fee, which is $60 for a month. (After that, it goes to $40 per month--still pretty steep, if you ask me.) And I clicked "submit" and waited for the 60 or so matches that I expected would pop up immediately, as they did on Match.com. And waited. Refreshed the page, waited some more. Finally, I got one match--Christopher from Pickerington. O.K., first of all, I'm not going to date anyone from Pickerington. It's too far away, and the people there tend to be--how shall I put this?--hicks. But, I clicked on his profile anyway, since . . . well, since there were no other options. Here's the basis of Christopher's profile:
"Christian man seeks girl-next-door type who will make our relationship the priority in her life."
Um, no. No, and no, and no. No no no. This is what I spent two hours and $60 for??!! They were supposed to match me up based on about 1,600 measures of compatibility, and they got exactly zero of them right. This seems to be almost a litigious-worthy situation. For those of you who are attorneys--thoughts?
There were plenty of other noteworthy things I saw on this site, including:
- A guy who obviously cut and pasted his profile photo out of a modeling publication, complete with shirtless shot, 6-pack abs, and an artsy black-and-white background. This guy also claimed to be an American and native English speaker, but upon reading his profile, it's totally obvious English is his second language. It was like reading a profile posted by Borat. (His tagline? "Looking for someone that need nice man." His religion? "I believe on Jesus.")
- A lot of people who were unclear about how to fill out their profiles in the first place. See, when you first sign up, you answer all these basic questions about yourself--age, job, marital status (hopefully single or divorced!), whether you smoke, how often you drink, whether you have children and how you feel about having children, etc. You also describe what answers to these questions are acceptable to you in a potential partner. A lot of people, however, give contradictory answers to these questions. For example: "Do you want children in the future?" [Answer: Yes.] "How many children do you want? [Answer: None.] There's more of this type of thing going on than you might think.
- One thing I noticed is that there are some things everyone answers in the same way. Everyone loves to travel. Everyone loves the outdoors. No one likes to play games, and everyone is looking for someone who doesn't like to play games. (Headgames, that is, not board games. Board games are O.K.) Everyone loves dining out, especially at ethnic restaurants. Staying in and snuggling on the couch while watching movies with your sweetie is completely acceptable, but no one fesses up to spending some Sunday afternoons watching Law & Order for three hours. No one!
Around this time is when all the computer stuff happened, and I wound up with my new (wonderful, fabulous) Mac. And I discovered that when I tried to log in to my Match.com profile, everything was all screwed up. I couldn't access or edit my profile, and I couldn't download a photo. I couldn't do much of anything. I e-mailed their support group, but I haven't heard back yet . . . and I started to get restless.
So, earlier today, I thought, as long as I was going to do it anyway, why not try another site until Match.com gets back to me (if they ever do)? And so, I logged on to eHarmony.
I should have clued in right off the bat, when I saw that they only match heterosexuals--no gay matching at this site. That irked me immensely--what's up with that? Did I really want to join a site that had yet to enter the 21st century? Big red flag. But, against my better judgment, I signed up anyway. I then spent about two hours that I will never get back filling out their "personality profile" forms, where they ask you about everything, multiple times. And, as they admonished me over and over to do, I tried to be completely honest--I didn't sugarcoat anything. Those of you who know me know what this entails. I was straight up about children, partying, politics, religion (or lack thereof)--everything. And, I actually paid the initial subscription fee, which is $60 for a month. (After that, it goes to $40 per month--still pretty steep, if you ask me.) And I clicked "submit" and waited for the 60 or so matches that I expected would pop up immediately, as they did on Match.com. And waited. Refreshed the page, waited some more. Finally, I got one match--Christopher from Pickerington. O.K., first of all, I'm not going to date anyone from Pickerington. It's too far away, and the people there tend to be--how shall I put this?--hicks. But, I clicked on his profile anyway, since . . . well, since there were no other options. Here's the basis of Christopher's profile:
"Christian man seeks girl-next-door type who will make our relationship the priority in her life."
Um, no. No, and no, and no. No no no. This is what I spent two hours and $60 for??!! They were supposed to match me up based on about 1,600 measures of compatibility, and they got exactly zero of them right. This seems to be almost a litigious-worthy situation. For those of you who are attorneys--thoughts?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Anatomy of a First (and Last) Date
O.K., this is a good one.
So, Saturday night, I went on a date with a guy named . . . let's say, Drew.* I met Drew at, of all places, the convenience store down the road. We were both waiting in line, and he struck up a conversation with me, and I was strongly attracted to two things: his striking resemblance to Matthew McConaughey, and the fact that he was not buying Lotto tickets. (He was, in fact, purchasing a bottle of Arizona Iced Tea and a pack of gum.) He seemed interesting enough, and he was totally adorable. We walked outside and continued our conversation, for about 10 minutes or so, and eventually we did the phone-number exchange thing, and he called me two days later. So far, so good.
Of course, I broke the first rule of dating by agreeing to go out on a Saturday night. For those of you who have been married since the Stone Age, this is now a rule. You do not go out for the first time on a weekend night. You first go out during the week, either for coffee or lunch or drinks right after work. You do not commit to dinner right away, nor do you give over any of your weekend time. I'm not much for rules, though, so Drew and I made plans to go to dinner on Saturday. (Oh wait, that's two rules broken. Oh well.)
So around 7:00 he picks me up and we head to this Mexican place. Margaritas in hand, we begin the first-date talk. And things go downhill almost immediately.
Right now, I must diverge and share some of my thoughts on what a first date should be like. First of all, you shouldn't get too deep into the whole personal-history thing. The basics are O.K.--three siblings, divorced parents, attended college at __________, divorced yourself once, etc. But rehashing too much of the life story is a waste of everyone's time, on both sides, if things don't work out . . . which, frankly, they often don't after a first date. It's tiring telling your whole life story over and over again, especially if, as with me, it's kind of complicated. And again, quite frankly, as fascinating as we all find our own stories to be, the details just aren't that interesting to other people, at least not at first. This works both ways, of course.
So, what sorts of things should you be talking about? Here's my list of acceptable (and, in some cases, essential) first-date topics:
1. Books
2. Music
3. Movies
4. Politics (Unlike other social settings, you should talk about politics on a first date. That way, if someone, say, approves of the Bush administration in any way, shape, or form, you can excuse yourself to go the restroom and then never return.)
5. Hobbies, on a limited basis (Your date might not be nearly as interested in, say, poker, quilting, crossword puzzles, etc., as you are.)
6. Any unique experiences/adventures you've had in your life (e.g., my time in Africa)
7. Your job, on a limited basis (Again, your job, unless you are Brad Pitt's personal assistant, is not nearly as fascinating to other people as you might imagine it to be.)
8. Children, if you have them (Although I do not have children myself, I do recognize that they are important enough to be included in first-date conversation.)
O.K., that's just off the top of my head, but you get the idea. You need to keep things focused on the fun, interesting aspects of life. But the topics themselves fade in comparison to the most important rule, which is: You need to show a modicum of interest in your date and let them get in a word in now and then. Maybe even ask them a question on occasion, rather than turning the conversation immediately back to yourself at every opportunity. Maybe, sometimes, actually acknowledging what they just said, rather than carrying on with your own spiel as if you were being filmed for an HBO special on the fascinating specialness that is you. Do you know what I mean?
Well, Drew didn't get this. Not at all. Instead, I was treated to about an hour and a half of the Drew Monologues. About 20 minutes into it, I started thinking about how I would rather be home playing online poker. An hour later, I was on my third margarita, trying to make him more interesting (because he was so damn cute), but even that didn't help. By the end of the evening, I was trying to figure out how to fend off mention of a second date, in case he brought it up.
You know, I just don't get the whole thing with guys not knowing, at all, how to talk to women. I don't understand it from an evolutionary standpoint. It's such a simple thing, and it's not like it's a secret--and, it would help them get laid a lot more, so you'd think they would've found a way to adapt by now. Of course, Drew is good-looking enough that maybe he gets laid a lot anyway. But it didn't happen for him that night. Poor Drew.
*Actually his real name. You'll never meet him, and he'll never read this, so it doesn't matter.
So, Saturday night, I went on a date with a guy named . . . let's say, Drew.* I met Drew at, of all places, the convenience store down the road. We were both waiting in line, and he struck up a conversation with me, and I was strongly attracted to two things: his striking resemblance to Matthew McConaughey, and the fact that he was not buying Lotto tickets. (He was, in fact, purchasing a bottle of Arizona Iced Tea and a pack of gum.) He seemed interesting enough, and he was totally adorable. We walked outside and continued our conversation, for about 10 minutes or so, and eventually we did the phone-number exchange thing, and he called me two days later. So far, so good.
Of course, I broke the first rule of dating by agreeing to go out on a Saturday night. For those of you who have been married since the Stone Age, this is now a rule. You do not go out for the first time on a weekend night. You first go out during the week, either for coffee or lunch or drinks right after work. You do not commit to dinner right away, nor do you give over any of your weekend time. I'm not much for rules, though, so Drew and I made plans to go to dinner on Saturday. (Oh wait, that's two rules broken. Oh well.)
So around 7:00 he picks me up and we head to this Mexican place. Margaritas in hand, we begin the first-date talk. And things go downhill almost immediately.
Right now, I must diverge and share some of my thoughts on what a first date should be like. First of all, you shouldn't get too deep into the whole personal-history thing. The basics are O.K.--three siblings, divorced parents, attended college at __________, divorced yourself once, etc. But rehashing too much of the life story is a waste of everyone's time, on both sides, if things don't work out . . . which, frankly, they often don't after a first date. It's tiring telling your whole life story over and over again, especially if, as with me, it's kind of complicated. And again, quite frankly, as fascinating as we all find our own stories to be, the details just aren't that interesting to other people, at least not at first. This works both ways, of course.
So, what sorts of things should you be talking about? Here's my list of acceptable (and, in some cases, essential) first-date topics:
1. Books
2. Music
3. Movies
4. Politics (Unlike other social settings, you should talk about politics on a first date. That way, if someone, say, approves of the Bush administration in any way, shape, or form, you can excuse yourself to go the restroom and then never return.)
5. Hobbies, on a limited basis (Your date might not be nearly as interested in, say, poker, quilting, crossword puzzles, etc., as you are.)
6. Any unique experiences/adventures you've had in your life (e.g., my time in Africa)
7. Your job, on a limited basis (Again, your job, unless you are Brad Pitt's personal assistant, is not nearly as fascinating to other people as you might imagine it to be.)
8. Children, if you have them (Although I do not have children myself, I do recognize that they are important enough to be included in first-date conversation.)
O.K., that's just off the top of my head, but you get the idea. You need to keep things focused on the fun, interesting aspects of life. But the topics themselves fade in comparison to the most important rule, which is: You need to show a modicum of interest in your date and let them get in a word in now and then. Maybe even ask them a question on occasion, rather than turning the conversation immediately back to yourself at every opportunity. Maybe, sometimes, actually acknowledging what they just said, rather than carrying on with your own spiel as if you were being filmed for an HBO special on the fascinating specialness that is you. Do you know what I mean?
Well, Drew didn't get this. Not at all. Instead, I was treated to about an hour and a half of the Drew Monologues. About 20 minutes into it, I started thinking about how I would rather be home playing online poker. An hour later, I was on my third margarita, trying to make him more interesting (because he was so damn cute), but even that didn't help. By the end of the evening, I was trying to figure out how to fend off mention of a second date, in case he brought it up.
You know, I just don't get the whole thing with guys not knowing, at all, how to talk to women. I don't understand it from an evolutionary standpoint. It's such a simple thing, and it's not like it's a secret--and, it would help them get laid a lot more, so you'd think they would've found a way to adapt by now. Of course, Drew is good-looking enough that maybe he gets laid a lot anyway. But it didn't happen for him that night. Poor Drew.
*Actually his real name. You'll never meet him, and he'll never read this, so it doesn't matter.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Holy Crap II*
[*Note: This phrase has become my go-to exclamation for whenever something is outrageously, shockingly expensive or whenever my financial stupidity far exceeds its usual level. So, you kind of know where this post is going.]
As you know, I have written before about the inherent dangers of text messaging. Yesterday, I encountered an entirely new hazard--financial ruin. O.K., not ruin, actually, but stress and strain for sure. This happened when I logged on to my cell phone account and discovered that my text message bill for the month of April came to . . . $100!! This is on top of my usual bill of about $60. Shocked yet fascinated, I pulled up my itemized bill and was amazed to discover that in a single month, I had sent and received over 600 text messages. WTF?? I had no idea I was texting that often. It was a real eye-opener.
So today, I did what I should have done a long time ago, which is to sign up for unlimited text messaging for one low monthly fee. ("Low" is relative, by the way. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting low monthly fee'd to death.) But it's too late for this month's bill--$100, down the drain.
In the meantime, I also found out yesterday that my work phone (the Treo), which I thought had unlimited text messaging (and which I've been trying to get people to text to rather than my cell phone), does not, or at least, it didn't--I'm trying to remedy that too. I guess it's a lucky thing that people weren't using my work number during the month of April--I doubt a $100 text-messaging bill would have gone over too well with the finance people.
So anyhoo, all of this has led me once again to contemplate the role of text messaging in the dating scene of today. It truly is a brave new world. Before my divorce, I had never sent a single text message, but as soon as I started dating, I realized it's THE form of communication with new people you meet these days. Who knew? And it's not just a trend among the young, either--guys my age do it as well. (O.K., in reality, the closest I've gotten to someone "my age" is 34, but close enough, yes?) And I have to say, at first I was pretty resistant. Why go through the annoying process of punching all these little phone buttons (and learning a whole new language--T9! Some of you know what I mean!) when it would be much easier to just call the person or, if an immediate response isn't needed anyway, e-mail them.
But there are some definite advantages to texting that have become apparent to me as I've gotten more into it. The most obvious one is that, unlike on a phone call, you don't have to respond right away--you can let the phone just sit there while you go about your business, and you can answer when convenient. A happy side effect of this is that you can think about your response more--you have time to come up with something witty and clever before answering. (No more thinking of the perfect thing to say after it's too late!) This explains why it's such a hot phenomenon in the dating world--you always want to come off as witty and clever to people you're dating, right? Now you can! (Of course, the converse is true as well: If someone takes a while to text me back, and the response is still dull, unintelligible, etc., a big red flag goes up with me, and I tend to kind of write the person off. Harsh, but true.)
Another advantage is that you can be much more . . . flirtatious, sooner, in text messages than you would be on the phone. Things you might be hesitant to actually say to a person you can put in a text, with a little wink-wink icon . . . you can get away with a lot this way. The recipient can't really tell if you're joking, teasing, whatever, when they don't have the tone of your voice to go on, and it just makes things more interesting at times.
Anyway, since I also text people I'm not dating, here's some info--for now, use my personal cell phone number, not my Treo number, for texting. If this changes (again!), I'll let you know.
As you know, I have written before about the inherent dangers of text messaging. Yesterday, I encountered an entirely new hazard--financial ruin. O.K., not ruin, actually, but stress and strain for sure. This happened when I logged on to my cell phone account and discovered that my text message bill for the month of April came to . . . $100!! This is on top of my usual bill of about $60. Shocked yet fascinated, I pulled up my itemized bill and was amazed to discover that in a single month, I had sent and received over 600 text messages. WTF?? I had no idea I was texting that often. It was a real eye-opener.
So today, I did what I should have done a long time ago, which is to sign up for unlimited text messaging for one low monthly fee. ("Low" is relative, by the way. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting low monthly fee'd to death.) But it's too late for this month's bill--$100, down the drain.
In the meantime, I also found out yesterday that my work phone (the Treo), which I thought had unlimited text messaging (and which I've been trying to get people to text to rather than my cell phone), does not, or at least, it didn't--I'm trying to remedy that too. I guess it's a lucky thing that people weren't using my work number during the month of April--I doubt a $100 text-messaging bill would have gone over too well with the finance people.
So anyhoo, all of this has led me once again to contemplate the role of text messaging in the dating scene of today. It truly is a brave new world. Before my divorce, I had never sent a single text message, but as soon as I started dating, I realized it's THE form of communication with new people you meet these days. Who knew? And it's not just a trend among the young, either--guys my age do it as well. (O.K., in reality, the closest I've gotten to someone "my age" is 34, but close enough, yes?) And I have to say, at first I was pretty resistant. Why go through the annoying process of punching all these little phone buttons (and learning a whole new language--T9! Some of you know what I mean!) when it would be much easier to just call the person or, if an immediate response isn't needed anyway, e-mail them.
But there are some definite advantages to texting that have become apparent to me as I've gotten more into it. The most obvious one is that, unlike on a phone call, you don't have to respond right away--you can let the phone just sit there while you go about your business, and you can answer when convenient. A happy side effect of this is that you can think about your response more--you have time to come up with something witty and clever before answering. (No more thinking of the perfect thing to say after it's too late!) This explains why it's such a hot phenomenon in the dating world--you always want to come off as witty and clever to people you're dating, right? Now you can! (Of course, the converse is true as well: If someone takes a while to text me back, and the response is still dull, unintelligible, etc., a big red flag goes up with me, and I tend to kind of write the person off. Harsh, but true.)
Another advantage is that you can be much more . . . flirtatious, sooner, in text messages than you would be on the phone. Things you might be hesitant to actually say to a person you can put in a text, with a little wink-wink icon . . . you can get away with a lot this way. The recipient can't really tell if you're joking, teasing, whatever, when they don't have the tone of your voice to go on, and it just makes things more interesting at times.
Anyway, since I also text people I'm not dating, here's some info--for now, use my personal cell phone number, not my Treo number, for texting. If this changes (again!), I'll let you know.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
It's All About Me
Quiz: Are You a Woman Who Is Afraid to Commit?
Anyone even vaguely familiar with the Internet has seen those teaser article titles that inhabit the home screens of various service web sites--including the Hotmail home page, where my eye fell on the above article title the other day. Many of the articles, like this one, originate from the MSN Dating & Personals section. I'd like to say that I usually ignore these teaser titles, but, like American Idol and Deal or No Deal, they are a guilty pleasure time-suck that I sometimes indulge in. Inevitably, they are stupid and pointless, the Internet equivalent of the Cosmo articles and quizzes my friends and I would read in high school and college. You know the ones--10 Signs He's Into You, New Ways to Surprise Him in Bed, Is It Time to Dump Him? There was, and still is, an endless stream of such articles, often with the same material recycled over and over with different titles. And every single one of them--every one!--should, in reality, have the same title: Common Sense "Advice" You Should Be Able to Figure Out for Yourself if You Have Half a Brain. So, he won't return your calls and your friend saw him making out with another woman at the bar? Probably time to break up. Stuff like that.
The sex tips articles are the worst, and so insidious, because they still suck me in sometimes, when I should know so much better. I'll be standing in line at the grocery store, and there's Cosmo or Mademoiselle sitting on the rack, claiming to have new, exclusive sex info, and I'll find myself reaching for the magazine and checking out the article on the off chance that someone really has come up with something new. You know what? They haven't. Surprising him with lingerie is not "new." Changing positions is not "new." A lot of other things aren't "new" either, although for certain reasons*, I won't get into them here.
The quizzes still suck me in sometimes too, which is equally stupid, especially if you're not 14. At the end of these quizzes, they always list categories of personalities/tendencies/whatever, and you fall into one of these categories based on your answers to the quiz questions. And I can go straight to these categories, read them, and know instantly which one I fall into without ever answering the questions because, you know, I pretty much know myself. But I will sometimes take the quiz anyway, just to see if I'm right. I always am. (Another thing--the quizzes are designed in such a way that it is so obvious which answers are going to put you in which categories. If you wanted, you could totally manipulate your answers to put yourself in a different category from whom you really are. Of course, that would be pointless and a little sad, wouldn't it?)
Anyway. Case in point--I saw the quiz title above, Are You a Woman Who Is Afraid to Commit?, and I immediately thought, Yes! I am such a woman! No need to take this quiz! But of course, I took it anyway. Here are the statements one is required to contemplate to figure out one's committment-phobia level, along with my responses:
*Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
Oh, yes.
*You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.). ·
Um, yes.
*You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
Oh, most definitely.
*You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.
Not so much. I like most of my friends' significant others, and most of them seem pretty happy--the ones who have made it, that is. But they're not me.
*You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships. ·
Again, not so much. I don't think I have more friends now than when I was married--in fact, I have fewer, since his friends pretty much blew me off. I do spend more time with my remaining friends, though, which is not a bad thing!
*You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent. ·
Well, I definitely date more than one man at a time, but is it to prevent becoming dependent? I don't think so--I don't tend to become "dependent" anyway. I think it's to prevent becoming bored.
*You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
Um, definitely not. If anything, I get over them too quickly.
The really funny part of this quiz is the "advice" they give you if, in fact, you are afraid to commit. I won't regurgitate it all here, as it's a bunch of boring psycho-babble, but what it boils down to is, basically--lower your expectations. That's right! Just don't expect so much, suck it up, and be happy with . . . well, whomever! So simple!
Grrr. How about this advice? If you're afraid to commit, don't commit! At least, not until you're really ready to! Be happy with yourself, cherish your friends and family, be productive, live an active life, and don't worry about focusing all your energy on coupling up! Why, why is this idea so far out of the mainstream? Why does everything about society and women's magazines and T.V. shows and movies push us so consistently toward couplehood? At any cost? I just don't get it. Oh, I suppose there is some subconscious biological imperative at work, but really, isn't it time to move beyond that, people? Evolve already!
O.K., enough ranting. (Sorry, got a little carried away there.) I'm not saying I want to be single forever. My plan is, when I'm around 60 or so, I'll find a nice, interesting widower who has a dog and loves to travel and has enough money to be comfortable, and maybe we'll move to Costa Rica or something. In the meantime, there's no need to rush, to lower my expectations, or to read these stupid articles anymore.
*Main reason: my dad reads this blog.
Anyone even vaguely familiar with the Internet has seen those teaser article titles that inhabit the home screens of various service web sites--including the Hotmail home page, where my eye fell on the above article title the other day. Many of the articles, like this one, originate from the MSN Dating & Personals section. I'd like to say that I usually ignore these teaser titles, but, like American Idol and Deal or No Deal, they are a guilty pleasure time-suck that I sometimes indulge in. Inevitably, they are stupid and pointless, the Internet equivalent of the Cosmo articles and quizzes my friends and I would read in high school and college. You know the ones--10 Signs He's Into You, New Ways to Surprise Him in Bed, Is It Time to Dump Him? There was, and still is, an endless stream of such articles, often with the same material recycled over and over with different titles. And every single one of them--every one!--should, in reality, have the same title: Common Sense "Advice" You Should Be Able to Figure Out for Yourself if You Have Half a Brain. So, he won't return your calls and your friend saw him making out with another woman at the bar? Probably time to break up. Stuff like that.
The sex tips articles are the worst, and so insidious, because they still suck me in sometimes, when I should know so much better. I'll be standing in line at the grocery store, and there's Cosmo or Mademoiselle sitting on the rack, claiming to have new, exclusive sex info, and I'll find myself reaching for the magazine and checking out the article on the off chance that someone really has come up with something new. You know what? They haven't. Surprising him with lingerie is not "new." Changing positions is not "new." A lot of other things aren't "new" either, although for certain reasons*, I won't get into them here.
The quizzes still suck me in sometimes too, which is equally stupid, especially if you're not 14. At the end of these quizzes, they always list categories of personalities/tendencies/whatever, and you fall into one of these categories based on your answers to the quiz questions. And I can go straight to these categories, read them, and know instantly which one I fall into without ever answering the questions because, you know, I pretty much know myself. But I will sometimes take the quiz anyway, just to see if I'm right. I always am. (Another thing--the quizzes are designed in such a way that it is so obvious which answers are going to put you in which categories. If you wanted, you could totally manipulate your answers to put yourself in a different category from whom you really are. Of course, that would be pointless and a little sad, wouldn't it?)
Anyway. Case in point--I saw the quiz title above, Are You a Woman Who Is Afraid to Commit?, and I immediately thought, Yes! I am such a woman! No need to take this quiz! But of course, I took it anyway. Here are the statements one is required to contemplate to figure out one's committment-phobia level, along with my responses:
*Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
Oh, yes.
*You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.). ·
Um, yes.
*You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
Oh, most definitely.
*You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.
Not so much. I like most of my friends' significant others, and most of them seem pretty happy--the ones who have made it, that is. But they're not me.
*You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships. ·
Again, not so much. I don't think I have more friends now than when I was married--in fact, I have fewer, since his friends pretty much blew me off. I do spend more time with my remaining friends, though, which is not a bad thing!
*You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent. ·
Well, I definitely date more than one man at a time, but is it to prevent becoming dependent? I don't think so--I don't tend to become "dependent" anyway. I think it's to prevent becoming bored.
*You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
Um, definitely not. If anything, I get over them too quickly.
The really funny part of this quiz is the "advice" they give you if, in fact, you are afraid to commit. I won't regurgitate it all here, as it's a bunch of boring psycho-babble, but what it boils down to is, basically--lower your expectations. That's right! Just don't expect so much, suck it up, and be happy with . . . well, whomever! So simple!
Grrr. How about this advice? If you're afraid to commit, don't commit! At least, not until you're really ready to! Be happy with yourself, cherish your friends and family, be productive, live an active life, and don't worry about focusing all your energy on coupling up! Why, why is this idea so far out of the mainstream? Why does everything about society and women's magazines and T.V. shows and movies push us so consistently toward couplehood? At any cost? I just don't get it. Oh, I suppose there is some subconscious biological imperative at work, but really, isn't it time to move beyond that, people? Evolve already!
O.K., enough ranting. (Sorry, got a little carried away there.) I'm not saying I want to be single forever. My plan is, when I'm around 60 or so, I'll find a nice, interesting widower who has a dog and loves to travel and has enough money to be comfortable, and maybe we'll move to Costa Rica or something. In the meantime, there's no need to rush, to lower my expectations, or to read these stupid articles anymore.
*Main reason: my dad reads this blog.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Another Hazard of Texting
Last night, I encountered an entirely new hazard of dating in the text-message age. Well, not really a hazard, per se--maybe a quirk? It's pretty funny, actually--you'll like this.
I got home from my work happy hour around 7:00, fed my little ones (the dog and cats, that is), and took the dog for a long walk. About five minutes after I got back, I got a text message. The exchange went like this, word for word, with some explanatory comments:
Texter: Its john; want 2 come down 2 german village?
[Older Young Guy's name is John.]
Me: Where are you?
John: House sitting across from barcelona [a restaurant]
Me: Want to just meet out somewhere around there?
John: Sure; where r u now?
Me: Home. Just got back from happy hour.
John: U should head down here
Me: Where exactly?
John: Want to just meet me here, then we can head out?
Me: K. Directions?
He then gave me directions and said he would meet me at my car when I got there and we could just walk to a nearby bar. I headed on down, found the place easily, parked my car, and called him. He said he'd be right out. I thought his voice sounded really odd. So the door to this house opens, and out walks . . . a totally different guy than the one I thought I was meeting.
I can only imagine what my face looked like as he approached my car; luckily, it was dark out. I had to recover pretty quickly. This guy was another guy named John, and he's a friend of a friend. I met him last summer and have run into him a few times at parties and such, and he came to a party I threw for a friend a few weeks ago. Well, apparently, he'd gotten ahold of my number--presumably from said "friend." Keep in mind that I'm piecing all of this together in my head as we're greeting each other and exchanging pleasantries and walking to the bar. It occurred to me that it was a bit presumptuous of him to just text me out of the blue like that as if we were good friends, and on a Friday night, no less. This is not someone I would have gone on a date with if I actually knew it was him I was meeting. He's a nice enough guy, but I'm just not attracted to him. But I was kind of stuck now, wasn't I?
In the end, it wasn't a total loss. We had a couple of drinks and talked, and he's actually a very nice guy, and one of those rare ones who actually listen and ask a lot of questions and seem genuinely interested in the responses. In fact, I found myself wishing I was attracted to him . . . but that just wasn't happening. (He's not bad looking at all--just not my type.) And here's a kicker--I wound up telling him the whole thing, all about the mistaken identity, and he got a big kick out of it. More points in his favor. But I'm not going to date him. The evening ended with the understanding that we'd just be friends.
Be careful with the texting, people. It's been an issue with me more than once this week.
*In retrospect, I should have known. Older Young Guy would never use semicolons.
I got home from my work happy hour around 7:00, fed my little ones (the dog and cats, that is), and took the dog for a long walk. About five minutes after I got back, I got a text message. The exchange went like this, word for word, with some explanatory comments:
Texter: Its john; want 2 come down 2 german village?
[Older Young Guy's name is John.]
Me: Where are you?
John: House sitting across from barcelona [a restaurant]
Me: Want to just meet out somewhere around there?
John: Sure; where r u now?
Me: Home. Just got back from happy hour.
John: U should head down here
Me: Where exactly?
John: Want to just meet me here, then we can head out?
Me: K. Directions?
He then gave me directions and said he would meet me at my car when I got there and we could just walk to a nearby bar. I headed on down, found the place easily, parked my car, and called him. He said he'd be right out. I thought his voice sounded really odd. So the door to this house opens, and out walks . . . a totally different guy than the one I thought I was meeting.
I can only imagine what my face looked like as he approached my car; luckily, it was dark out. I had to recover pretty quickly. This guy was another guy named John, and he's a friend of a friend. I met him last summer and have run into him a few times at parties and such, and he came to a party I threw for a friend a few weeks ago. Well, apparently, he'd gotten ahold of my number--presumably from said "friend." Keep in mind that I'm piecing all of this together in my head as we're greeting each other and exchanging pleasantries and walking to the bar. It occurred to me that it was a bit presumptuous of him to just text me out of the blue like that as if we were good friends, and on a Friday night, no less. This is not someone I would have gone on a date with if I actually knew it was him I was meeting. He's a nice enough guy, but I'm just not attracted to him. But I was kind of stuck now, wasn't I?
In the end, it wasn't a total loss. We had a couple of drinks and talked, and he's actually a very nice guy, and one of those rare ones who actually listen and ask a lot of questions and seem genuinely interested in the responses. In fact, I found myself wishing I was attracted to him . . . but that just wasn't happening. (He's not bad looking at all--just not my type.) And here's a kicker--I wound up telling him the whole thing, all about the mistaken identity, and he got a big kick out of it. More points in his favor. But I'm not going to date him. The evening ended with the understanding that we'd just be friends.
Be careful with the texting, people. It's been an issue with me more than once this week.
*In retrospect, I should have known. Older Young Guy would never use semicolons.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Adventures in Singledom
Hello there! It's been a while. I don't want to write a long, drawn-out post about why I haven't blogged in over three months, but I do apologize to those of you (all three or four of you!) who miss my occasional rantings and musings. I could say I'm just too busy, but as most of you know, I watch far too many episodes of Law & Order for that to be a viable excuse. I could also blame it on my wonderful dog, whom I got back from my ex right around the time I stopped blogging--and it's true that the long walks we go on every evening suck up a healthy chunk of my time--but that's not really it either. The truth is, I just haven't felt like it. And now I do. It's that simple.
Anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago marked the year anniversary of the start of my post-marriage life, and I took the opportunity to reflect upon my journey back into the dating scene since then. It also got me thinking about when I was still married and hanging out a lot with other married couples, and howmany of these people often mentioned how glad they were that they didn't have to date anymore, what a hassle it is, how difficult it is to find anyone to connect with, etc. etc. (Meanwhile, I would often wonder whether some of these people were actually "connecting" with their spouses . . . .) And as someone who has suddenly been plunged back into the dating pool as a late-30s divorcee, I can attest that there's a lot of truth in all that whining. Dating can be tedious, especially for women in my situation. That tired, stereotypical chick-flick mantra that "All the good men are married or gay" exists for a reason, especially when you're talking about men my age. Of course, statistically speaking, there should be a healthy pool of divorced, age-appropriate men out there, but I haven't really found that to be the case so far. And then again, in that situation, there are often kids involved, and I'm just not in a place to deal with all of that right now.
Luckily, none of that really fazes me, because I'm just not looking for a relationship. I know some people probably think I'm just saying that in a sour-grapes sort of way, but it's true--I'm perfectly happy on my own. And that's a very freeing attitude. I've been able to spend the last few months just meeting and hanging out with people and having fun without bogging things down by constantly evaluating them for long-term relationship potential. It's a constant adventure, and it's also excellent blog-fodder. So, without further ado, let's take a look at some of the people I've had the pleasure and/or annoyance to meet over the past several months. (Note: Descriptive aliases have been used to protect . . . well, me, from libel suits by any of the below parties I might have been stupid enough to give my blog address to.)
*Hippie Neighbor Brother
What can I say? He was just always around. When the hippie neighbors were still here (they moved to Colorado, by the way), hippie husband's brother was over at their place constantly. And in the summer, we were all outside all the time, often drinking beer on the porch(es). And he was really cute and single . . . it was kind of inevitable that we would wind up hanging out.
Pros: really cute, fun, good at grilling food
Cons: a total flake, broke, not all that smart
Status: out of touch since hippie neighbors moved away, except for one note left on my porch asking to borrow a hairdryer (?)
[Here's a photo I took of him surreptitiously out my front window while he was sleeping in the hammock. Sorry it's such a lousy photo, but it was out the window.]
*Young guy #1
Most of you know who this is--several of you have met him. And you were probably thinking, what is she thinking? (Age difference: 15 years.) What I was thinking was that he was sweet, smart, straightforward, and a lot of fun. The fact that he was an extremely talented musician didn't hurt either. We had a great summer until he got himself into some trouble. I still care about him, and I hope he finds someone (a bit more age-appropriate) who deserves him someday.
Pros: again--sweet, smart, fun, musician, very cute
Cons: way too young, substance abuser (recovering!)
Status: we still talk on the phone sometimes, and go to an occasional movie
*Young guy #2
I know, I know. But, as I pointed out before, available guys my age aren't that easy to find. Also, there's something about the young ones. They don't drone on and on about their careers or their investments or the hassles in their lives. They like to go out and have fun. They don't have kids from former marriages. They can stay up past midnight. They're uncomplicated and passionate. And, as I've been pleasantly surprised to discover, the young men of today often appreciate older women who are substantially more secure with themselves than your average 20-year-old. And this one in particular was (is) quite intriguing.
Pros: cute, smart, funny, musician
Cons: way too young, and another reason I can't really mention here
Status: good friends
*The Ex
No, not the ex-husband. Out of the blue one day, I got a call from an ex-boyfriend from my pre-marriage days. He'd heard I'd gotten divorced. (Yes, this can be a very small town sometimes.) We arranged to go out one night and met for dinner and drinks. The evening started out well enough, catching up on what we'd been doing the last few years. As the night wore on, however, I was reminded over and over of why we broke up in the first place. The whole thing culminated in a stupid, pointless argument over the circumstances of our break-up. In the end, he told me that he was confident he would eventually find the right person (who was obviously not me) because he was, in his words, the "total package."
Pros: still really cute, able to pay for dinner
Cons: boring, arrogant, tiresome, self-delusional
Status: will probably never speak to each other again
*The Guy Who Should Be Gay
What is it with me and this type of guy? This is the third one in my life who's been interested in me--a guy with impeccable taste, articulate, no guy friends, way into the arts, hates sports, super sensitive . . . gay, right? No. I'm pretty much convinced he's not--he's 38, after all, and would have probably figured it out by now. But I can't help thinking that his love life would be much better if he was. Believe me, I love gay men--I just don't want to date one. Nor do I want to date one whose whole persona screams gay, even if he's not. I'm sorry if that seems mean or insensitive, but at some point in life, a person has to drop political correctness and face certain realities. There may be women out there who are attracted to this type of guy, but I simply am not.
Pros: smart, good conversationalist, shares my taste in movies, music, and books
Cons: no spark whatsoever, needy, not a musician, still possibly gay
Status: I may have to cut off contact soon, although I wish he could be my good gay male friend
*Older Young Guy
Seriously, when I met him, I thought he was about 34. Turns out, he's 26. It's almost unbelievable--he looks older, acts older, and is way more cynical than I would expect a 26-year-old to be. And he's a musician. (Do you see a pattern here?) And I met him at a kick-ass concert that we were both really into and had a great time hanging out. A few weeks later, our interest in each other is waning. It's mutual and obvious. I'm not sure why--just one of those things.
Pros: extremely smart, good conversationalist, interesting, attractive, musician
Cons: cynical, unreliable, arrogant, ignores my dog (This is a big red flag to me, by the way. Here's a hint to all single men: If you're interested in a woman, and this woman adores her dog, and you ignore her dog, this woman is not going to adore you.)
Status: dying on the vine
So, there we are, a snapshot of my ongoing quest to not have a relationship. Because, looking back over this list, it's pretty obvious that that's what I'm doing.
And that's O.K.
Anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago marked the year anniversary of the start of my post-marriage life, and I took the opportunity to reflect upon my journey back into the dating scene since then. It also got me thinking about when I was still married and hanging out a lot with other married couples, and howmany of these people often mentioned how glad they were that they didn't have to date anymore, what a hassle it is, how difficult it is to find anyone to connect with, etc. etc. (Meanwhile, I would often wonder whether some of these people were actually "connecting" with their spouses . . . .) And as someone who has suddenly been plunged back into the dating pool as a late-30s divorcee, I can attest that there's a lot of truth in all that whining. Dating can be tedious, especially for women in my situation. That tired, stereotypical chick-flick mantra that "All the good men are married or gay" exists for a reason, especially when you're talking about men my age. Of course, statistically speaking, there should be a healthy pool of divorced, age-appropriate men out there, but I haven't really found that to be the case so far. And then again, in that situation, there are often kids involved, and I'm just not in a place to deal with all of that right now.
Luckily, none of that really fazes me, because I'm just not looking for a relationship. I know some people probably think I'm just saying that in a sour-grapes sort of way, but it's true--I'm perfectly happy on my own. And that's a very freeing attitude. I've been able to spend the last few months just meeting and hanging out with people and having fun without bogging things down by constantly evaluating them for long-term relationship potential. It's a constant adventure, and it's also excellent blog-fodder. So, without further ado, let's take a look at some of the people I've had the pleasure and/or annoyance to meet over the past several months. (Note: Descriptive aliases have been used to protect . . . well, me, from libel suits by any of the below parties I might have been stupid enough to give my blog address to.)
*Hippie Neighbor Brother
What can I say? He was just always around. When the hippie neighbors were still here (they moved to Colorado, by the way), hippie husband's brother was over at their place constantly. And in the summer, we were all outside all the time, often drinking beer on the porch(es). And he was really cute and single . . . it was kind of inevitable that we would wind up hanging out.
Pros: really cute, fun, good at grilling food
Cons: a total flake, broke, not all that smart
Status: out of touch since hippie neighbors moved away, except for one note left on my porch asking to borrow a hairdryer (?)
[Here's a photo I took of him surreptitiously out my front window while he was sleeping in the hammock. Sorry it's such a lousy photo, but it was out the window.]
*Young guy #1
Most of you know who this is--several of you have met him. And you were probably thinking, what is she thinking? (Age difference: 15 years.) What I was thinking was that he was sweet, smart, straightforward, and a lot of fun. The fact that he was an extremely talented musician didn't hurt either. We had a great summer until he got himself into some trouble. I still care about him, and I hope he finds someone (a bit more age-appropriate) who deserves him someday.
Pros: again--sweet, smart, fun, musician, very cute
Cons: way too young, substance abuser (recovering!)
Status: we still talk on the phone sometimes, and go to an occasional movie
*Young guy #2
I know, I know. But, as I pointed out before, available guys my age aren't that easy to find. Also, there's something about the young ones. They don't drone on and on about their careers or their investments or the hassles in their lives. They like to go out and have fun. They don't have kids from former marriages. They can stay up past midnight. They're uncomplicated and passionate. And, as I've been pleasantly surprised to discover, the young men of today often appreciate older women who are substantially more secure with themselves than your average 20-year-old. And this one in particular was (is) quite intriguing.
Pros: cute, smart, funny, musician
Cons: way too young, and another reason I can't really mention here
Status: good friends
*The Ex
No, not the ex-husband. Out of the blue one day, I got a call from an ex-boyfriend from my pre-marriage days. He'd heard I'd gotten divorced. (Yes, this can be a very small town sometimes.) We arranged to go out one night and met for dinner and drinks. The evening started out well enough, catching up on what we'd been doing the last few years. As the night wore on, however, I was reminded over and over of why we broke up in the first place. The whole thing culminated in a stupid, pointless argument over the circumstances of our break-up. In the end, he told me that he was confident he would eventually find the right person (who was obviously not me) because he was, in his words, the "total package."
Pros: still really cute, able to pay for dinner
Cons: boring, arrogant, tiresome, self-delusional
Status: will probably never speak to each other again
*The Guy Who Should Be Gay
What is it with me and this type of guy? This is the third one in my life who's been interested in me--a guy with impeccable taste, articulate, no guy friends, way into the arts, hates sports, super sensitive . . . gay, right? No. I'm pretty much convinced he's not--he's 38, after all, and would have probably figured it out by now. But I can't help thinking that his love life would be much better if he was. Believe me, I love gay men--I just don't want to date one. Nor do I want to date one whose whole persona screams gay, even if he's not. I'm sorry if that seems mean or insensitive, but at some point in life, a person has to drop political correctness and face certain realities. There may be women out there who are attracted to this type of guy, but I simply am not.
Pros: smart, good conversationalist, shares my taste in movies, music, and books
Cons: no spark whatsoever, needy, not a musician, still possibly gay
Status: I may have to cut off contact soon, although I wish he could be my good gay male friend
*Older Young Guy
Seriously, when I met him, I thought he was about 34. Turns out, he's 26. It's almost unbelievable--he looks older, acts older, and is way more cynical than I would expect a 26-year-old to be. And he's a musician. (Do you see a pattern here?) And I met him at a kick-ass concert that we were both really into and had a great time hanging out. A few weeks later, our interest in each other is waning. It's mutual and obvious. I'm not sure why--just one of those things.
Pros: extremely smart, good conversationalist, interesting, attractive, musician
Cons: cynical, unreliable, arrogant, ignores my dog (This is a big red flag to me, by the way. Here's a hint to all single men: If you're interested in a woman, and this woman adores her dog, and you ignore her dog, this woman is not going to adore you.)
Status: dying on the vine
So, there we are, a snapshot of my ongoing quest to not have a relationship. Because, looking back over this list, it's pretty obvious that that's what I'm doing.
And that's O.K.
Monday, May 22, 2006
GSD
Some of you have been asking whatever happened on my date with Grocery Store Dude. Well, it did turn out to be a date, of sorts. I showed up with every intention of telling him I couldn't stay, but he offered to buy me a beer right away, and I figured one couldn't hurt. (It never does, right? . . . ) Well, three beers and three hours later, I had come to the following conclusion: GSD is even more of a hippie than Hippie Neighbors, if that's possible. (Apparently, I am giving off some subconscious hippie-attraction vibe. I should get that checked out.) Here's why I believe this:
1. He used the following words and phrases, unironically, sometimes multiple times: Goddess, spiritual journey, The Man.
2. He apparently didn't brush his hair before our date.
3. He was obviously stoned for our date.
4. He doesn't own a car, and he talked extensively about how people who own cars "don't SEE things, man."
5. He works as a roofer and a canvasser, all under the table.
6. He took a 4 1/2-month backpacking trip through India last year.
7. He is involved in an ongoing investigation resulting from said trip, in which he got caught at the airport with some sort of large bowie knife in his backpack, which he "forgot" was there. (Although I put "forgot" in quotes, it is quite possible that he did, in fact, forget. I just think the security people had a tough time swallowing that one.) I am unclear on the details of this investigation, but he did mention a court date coming up. They still let him take his trip, however. I don't know, I'm pretty confused about that one.
8. His name is Spring.
O.K., so obviously, I will not be dating this person. He was interesting to talk to for a few hours, though. He was very intrigued about my stint in Africa--no surprise there--so we talked mostly about travel and other cultures and the way the U.S. is perceived in the world, etc. So all in all, I enjoyed myself and met an interesting new person, albeit one I will probably never see again. Or maybe I will, but in a platonic way only. In the end, we split the tab and said goodnight, and when he asked if he could see me again, I kind of talked around the issue . . . I'm really busy, I'm not really ready to date again, etc. Which, in retrospect, kind of sounds like a blow-off, doesn't it? We'll see how it's perceived in hippie-speak.
1. He used the following words and phrases, unironically, sometimes multiple times: Goddess, spiritual journey, The Man.
2. He apparently didn't brush his hair before our date.
3. He was obviously stoned for our date.
4. He doesn't own a car, and he talked extensively about how people who own cars "don't SEE things, man."
5. He works as a roofer and a canvasser, all under the table.
6. He took a 4 1/2-month backpacking trip through India last year.
7. He is involved in an ongoing investigation resulting from said trip, in which he got caught at the airport with some sort of large bowie knife in his backpack, which he "forgot" was there. (Although I put "forgot" in quotes, it is quite possible that he did, in fact, forget. I just think the security people had a tough time swallowing that one.) I am unclear on the details of this investigation, but he did mention a court date coming up. They still let him take his trip, however. I don't know, I'm pretty confused about that one.
8. His name is Spring.
O.K., so obviously, I will not be dating this person. He was interesting to talk to for a few hours, though. He was very intrigued about my stint in Africa--no surprise there--so we talked mostly about travel and other cultures and the way the U.S. is perceived in the world, etc. So all in all, I enjoyed myself and met an interesting new person, albeit one I will probably never see again. Or maybe I will, but in a platonic way only. In the end, we split the tab and said goodnight, and when he asked if he could see me again, I kind of talked around the issue . . . I'm really busy, I'm not really ready to date again, etc. Which, in retrospect, kind of sounds like a blow-off, doesn't it? We'll see how it's perceived in hippie-speak.
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