No Filter

Days 3,4--General Stuff (and cheating by combining two days, but this is a lengthy one)

So, a few weeks ago I went out with this guy, J. It was an online meet--I haven't given up on online dating, just haven't dived back in with much enthusiasm. But, he was a good writer, seemed interesting, and had attractive pics, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give the date a 4.

It's hard to say what I didn't like about him . . . I can't quite put my finger on it. He just came off as a little fake, and he had strange, annoying speech patterns and ways of phrasing things. Like, he had this habit of asking me questions and tagging my name on the end with too much emphasis, as in, "What do you think of THAT, Heather?" in this sing-song, teasing voice. Yeah, pretty grating. So much so, in fact, that about 20 minutes into the date, I slid into No-Filter Mode.

No-Filter Mode is when I just say whatever's on my mind, disregarding polite social norms and such. It's something I've found myself doing more and more lately, especially on dates. I think it's the result of going on so many annoying ones and getting tired of just sitting through and tolerating them, waiting for it to be over so I can go home. I'm not very good at "sitting through and tolerating," as anyone who's ever been in a meeting with me at work knows very well. If things get too ridiculous, I tend to speak up and try to put an end to it or guide things in a different direction. 

So, on the date with J., after about three or four Heather questions, I had to say something. Basically, I told him he really needed to stop saying my name in that tone of voice all the time, that it was very annoying and I just couldn't take it. He just kind of stared at me, blinked. I could see distinct emotions crossing over his face--first annoyance mixed with a little disbelief, gradually morphing into curiosity. He asked me what I meant, and I explained what he was doing, providing a couple of examples, and tried to convey how annoying it was. I realized as I was talking that he was not really conscious of this thing he was doing, and he was very surprised that it annoyed me so much. Refreshingly, he stopped doing it, and we moved on . . . had a couple of drinks and a not-completely-awful conversation before ending the date. 

So, he's not someone I'm interested in, but the whole thing did get me thinking about how I've been acting when going out with new people lately. Basically, I am not on my best behavior, the way you're supposed to be at first . . . I think I'm just tired of it. It's always the same story--you go out with someone, and both of you try very hard, at first, to impress each other. The first date is kind of like an interview. Then, one of two things happens. Either you just don't click and don't go out again, or you continue to see each other while staying on your best behavior, at least for the first few dates. Gradually, of course, the facade slips away, and you start being your true selves with each other . . . and who knows how you'll each feel about the other person at that point? This, I think, is why so many single people tend to have strings of "relationships" that only last a few weeks or so--once they start being themselves with the other person, things fall apart. And frankly, I just don't have the time or energy for that anymore. Why not just put it out there right away? It's better than waiting to see if my (many) flaws, quirks, and idiosyncrasies are going to drive someone away . . . and vice versa, of course. 

It's been interesting, to say the least, to see people's reactions to No-Filter Mode. In general, though, I think it's appreciated. I've had a few guys actually thank me for being straightforward and telling them what they're doing wrong--pointing out, for example, that they might want to ask the woman they're out with a few questions now and then, instead of just talking about themselves the whole time. That they might want to consider actually listening, instead of just waiting to talk (and that most women can tell the difference). That it might be a good idea to actually have a plan for a date, rather than just showing up at someone's door and saying, "I don't care where we go, whatever you want to do is fine." Granted, when I come right out and say these things within the first 30 minutes of meeting someone, it generally kills any romantic possibilities for the future . . . but that would have been the case regardless, whether I spoke up or just sat there tolerating it for hours. At least when I speak up, the conversation is interesting, and I'm actually a part of it. And it can be a learning experience all around.

Regarding J., I am facing somewhat of a dilemma. I don't really want to see him again, but I did leave my fall jacket in his car. He e-mailed me that he'd like to return it . . . and take me out again while he's at it. 

Guess he doesn't mind No-Filter Mode so much.