O.K., for obvious reasons, I have not blogged about anyone on Match for a long time, but I have to share this profile I found tonight. [By the way--to a certain person I spoke with a couple of days ago about this, I'm sorry. I know you don't like reading about the Match stuff, but it's a gold mine, and I'm not going to not write about it. You don't have to read if you don't want to.]
[On a related point, this post comes with a mild Dad warning. I'm going to have to figure out how to create some kind of Dad-warning barometer for the blog.]
Anyway, a while ago I stumbled upon this certain profile, and it was really promising . . . at first. The guy seemed smart and funny, he was articulate and a decent writer, he had a good job, and he was very good-looking--almost too much so, in an all-American football-player type of way, not usually my type, but . . . I digress. So I'm reading along. Keep in mind that, up to a certain point, everything in his profile is good--he's clever and witty, and he avoids both banality and arrogance/creepiness, which is rare. Nothing sparks cause for concern.
And then we get to this part:
So here are some rules with me... 1. NO cats -- I'm allergic. Yes, I know this rules out like 1/2 of the known female universe. However, If we're REALLY meant for each other we can always do something with/about the cat ;) 2. No vegetarians. I like to cook, I like meat and if you don't... we probably won't work. 3. Faith is fine and I love having debates about this stuff, but if you're a Jesus freak, I'm not for you. 4. Oh, and if you're really into wearing neck scarves... Next! 5. If you live more than 20 miles from Cbus... it probably won't work so let's not bother. 6. If you are a "pageant" person... probably not my type. 7. If you've ever been called "flaky"... please move along. 8. If you look like a man, are missing any visible teeth or have major gastrointestinal issues, don't wink or email me please! 9. One last thing... Wayne does not like women who routinely refer to themselves in the 3rd person. Sorry, but Wayne knows want he wants and he will not settle. Neither should you ;) Wait, Wayne just thought of one more thing... 10. Seriously, stop emailing me (you know who you are)... I will NOT pay to fly you from China to meet me. I don't care how good you say your Wonton Balls are! Ahhh... time for some New Rules (I sound like Bill Maher). 11. If you claim your best physical feature to be your bellybutton or neck (and you're not just being funny), me probably not interested. 12. While we're on the subject... and this could be tough for some... the one physical feature that turns me off quicker than the Bengals defense is... big arms. If your arms occupy more of your profile than your boobs, I won't be able to deal. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT into stick figure girls but there is something about "fat arms" that I can't.. just can't be around. 13. I can't believe I didn't list this earlier as it such a basic thing with me... loud chewers and lip smackers must not only refrain from emailing/winking at me, but should immediately go to the nearest etiquette trainer. Heck, even Borat managed to do that before pooping in a bag and bringing it back to the dinner table.
O.K., I just have to say--if I read this in a work of fiction, I would probably crack up. I mean, you can see the cleverness. But . . .
Truthfully, I don't even know what to say about this. It would take a dissertation to pick this apart, and I wouldn't even have a clue how to handle some of this material. I will, however, comment on a couple of things:
1. Obviously, the part at the beginning about the cats. Dude, WTF? This is my favorite part: If we're REALLY meant for each other we can always do something with/about the cat ;) Um, what? Is he proprosing that, as a team, we will kill the cat? I love how he also manages to make it seem like this would serve as a couples bonding exercise. He might as well write something like, If we're REALLY meant for each other we can always go on a killing spree ;) Any less creepy? Not to me.
2. Heather cracked up at the part where Heather read about how Wayne doesn't like women who refer to themselves in the third person while talking to Wayne. But this was the best part: he [presumably Wayne] will not settle. Neither should you ;) What's up with the emoticon at the end, there? Is that like a wink-wink nudge-nudge, "Neither should you, but really you should" type of thing?
3. I also liked the part where he went on and on about how he hates big arms. I'm kind of tempted to create a fake profile, and for the photos, just post a bunch of pictures of slender arms. And send it to him. Would he freak out?
I have to say, I've missed this Match stuff.
[By the way, I loved numbers 3 and 6 of the guys "rules." Too bad he didn't stop there.]
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2 comments:
He lost me with the cat thing. But I wanted to bury him alive after he mentioned Bill Maher. I HATE Bill Maher.
Lulu
A helpful translation:
1. “Compromise” in our relationship will consist of “you always giving me what I want.”
2. I don’t want to make allowances for anything you might like that I don’t.
3. If my disparagement of your faith means that you won’t abandon it in an effort to curry my favor? Forget it.
4. My last girlfriend wore a lot of neck scarves in an effort to cover up the fact that she’d been cheating on me.
5. If I have to wait half an hour for a booty call, I really can’t be bothered.
6. Another ex-girlfriend was in pageants, and she was a total psycho.
7. Again, I REALLY can’t be bothered with your whims, schedule, or needs.
8. If you are unattractive, DO NOT EVEN DARE TO SO MUCH AS ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR APPRECIATION OF MY APPEARANCE. LOOK AWAY, GARGOYLE! I CAST THEE OUT!
9. Yet another girlfriend talked about herself in the third person, and she told me I have a small penis.
10. Everything I know about women, I learned from Bill Maher.
11. Send me a photo of your rack up-front, please.
12. You will not be able to extract yourself from our relationship without first developing an eating disorder. Every time I look at you, you will know that I disapprove of one or more of your physical features.
13. Everything you do is open to the harshest imaginable critique. I have not one platonic female friend, and every ex-girlfriend I have ever had fantasizes TO THIS DAY about punching me in my smug face.
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