Drive By

So, I was off work one day last week and driving around doing errands, and on a whim I decided to drive by my ex's house. When we first split up a year and a half ago, I used to do this frequently, because . . . well, that's what you do, right? Or maybe that's just me? I'm not sure why I was doing it--I was the one who left, after all, and I didn't want to get back together, and I didn't really miss him either, because he was being such a jerk. I was just curious, I guess. Also, it was easy, because I pass so closely to the house anyway on my way to and from work. But I stopped doing the drive-by thing a long time ago. It's kind of pointless--I mean, yeah, there's the house, and yeah, it looks the same . . . now what? But I wanted to drive by last week just to see if he was still living there. I haven't heard from him in a few months, and for all I knew, he had sold the house and moved, as he had mentioned he might do. But no, it looked like he was still there--there were the same curtains (the ones I picked out and hung) in the front window, and there were the curtains my mom made in the kitchen windows.

It's always a little weird to see that house, the one in which I lived for five years but will most likely never enter again. It's weird, too, to live so close by--I drive the same route to work, basically, that I always did, I go to the same grocery store, etc. There are also a lot of shops and restaurants around here that I used to go to with my ex. I sometimes think I should have moved farther away, to a different neighborhood, at least, to make more of a fresh start . . . but I love it here, and I had kind of a proprietary attitude about the whole thing, like, why should I have to move to a completely different area? And now I'm glad I stayed--I love my apartment and my little part of the neighborhood, and surprisingly, I've never run into my ex, not even once. (Of course, now that I wrote that, I'll probably see him at the grocery store tonight . . . ) I do wonder sometimes if he and I will ever speak again, though. It's been a while--I called him last, let's see, about three months ago, and we talked for two hours. Then he e-mailed me the next day to tell me something he forgot, that one of his friend's moms had died . . . and then he just had to add a little patronizing bit to the e-mail that pissed me off. And I haven't responded. So I guess technically the ball's in my court, but something is holding me back from contacting him. I'm not sure what it is--just a can of worms I don't feel like opening.

I don't know why I'm blabbering on about this. It just strikes me sometimes how strange it is, to have a person in your life for years and years and live with them, and then all of a sudden, they're out of your life completely. It just makes everything seem . . . very fragile. There's your deep thought for the day.