This Day in God

I went to a wedding this past weekend, the first one I've been to since the divorce. I suspected I might feel a bit . . . what's the word? skeptical? cynical? physically ill?. . . about the whole thing, considering my personal experiences over the past couple of years, but during the actual ceremony, I didn't really have any personal feelings at all. It probably helped that I was someone's date and didn't really know either the bride or groom very well, and so I absorbed the whole thing from a purely observatory standpoint. And one thing I noticed (like you could miss it) was how God-heavy the whole shebang was.

I've been to a lot of weddings like this over the years, and they all have several things in common. First, in almost every one that I've attended, neither the bride nor the groom is particularly religious, but the parents of one or both of them are. And since said parents are paying for everything . . . presto! Suddenly, God plays a major role in this relationship, one He never really seemed to play before the bill came due. All of a sudden, the way these two people met was by God bringing them together. The way they got to the altar was through God's love guiding and sustaining them. And the way they're going to continue to stay together forever is by God's hand steering through all the trials and tribulations of marriage. Which is, by the way, a gift from God, as is everything in life (including, one must presume, war, cancer, and Nickelback videos).

The other thing I notice about these ceremonies is the Bible verses. These God-heavy weddings always include Bible verse readings, which somehow wind up being the exact same verses every friggin' time. There's about three or four of them, total, and they're always read by a friend of the bride or groom who wasn't quite good enough of a friend to actually be in the wedding party, but whom someone felt should play a role at some point. And so, they get to read one of three or so verses. At this particular wedding, it was the whole "Love is not jealous, love is not vengeful, love is not spiteful, blah blah blah." You know the one. In fact, if you've been to a wedding with any religious connotations at all, you've no doubt heard it. It's about the most popular one--I bet I've heard it at about 60% of the weddings I've attended. What a unique, special ceremony that makes for. Seriously, what's up with that? Why in the world would you want your wedding to be exactly like everyone else's? I just don't get it.

Now, I'm no student of the Bible, although I did do my fair share of verse memorizing at a Baptist youth group I was forced to attend back in the day. Ever heard of Awanas? ("Awanas" stands for "Approved Workmen Are Not Afraid, whatever that means. Today, they may have changed the second word to "Workers," but back when I was being brainwashed, it was definitely "Workmen.") It's sort of the Baptist equivalent of Hitler Youth. We wore uniforms, competed in athletic competitions, and memorized a shitload of Bible verses, and we were awarded ribbons and medals to wear on our uniforms when we recited the verses correctly. The verses were never put into any larger context, and we were not allowed to ask any questions about the verses--it was basically get your assignment, memorize it, and spit it back to the drill sergeants. . . I mean, religious instructors, while standing at attention in front of the rest of the cadets . . . I mean, students. Yeah, it was great. In fact, I have Awanas to thank for completely turning me off to everything remotely religious for the rest of my life. Thanks, Awanas! (By the way, I totally kicked ass at verse memorization. I had a lot more brain cells then. I was basically a 5-star general by the time I got too old to attend, at around age 14. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to start cranking out Aryan babies at that point, but things didn't turn out that way.)

Anyway, back to the Bible. It's been several years since I cracked one open, but every time I attend a wedding and hear the same old verses, over and over, I can't help but wonder if there's not something else in that book that people might choose to quote. I mean, the thing is like 5,000 pages long! There's really only three or four verses in the entire tome that are appropriate to quote at God-heavy weddings??

I've come up with two possible answers, both of which carry validity in my opinion:

1. People are lazy. Eons ago, someone trolled this cumbersome book and came up with some verses that sound wedding-friendly. Everyone else just picks up these verses because they're too uninspired to sift through 5,000 pages, looking for their own verses to have their sort-of friend read.

2. There's just not that much to choose from on love and marriage in the Bible, because it's mostly about war and carnage and plundering and God's wrath and plagues and burning villages and how we're all completely full of horrible sin from the moment we're born. (What a wonderful book upon which to base a religion. So completely unlike the Quran, right?)

So, which possibility do you think is correct? Feel free to weigh in, because I'm really curious.

(Postnote: Despite the rant, I had a really good time at the reception, which was your usual free-cheap-beer-and-wine-and-dancing-to-horrible-pop-hits type of deal. My date was very sweet, and at times, it's nice to have a license to just get drunk and dance your ass off to bad music. Isn't that what weddings are really all about?)